2012

I only have one hope for 2012...

Please make us parents. 

We have made the decision to try IVF this year.

It probably will not happen until a little later in the year. 

We need to save up some money first. 

So in that time I'm taking care of me in hopes of giving us the best chance possible at getting pregnant.

I'm going to stop being a lazy ass and take advantage of the gym here at our apartment complex.

I've got to do something good for myself, 

and I know losing some weight would really help.

I haven't talked about it in a long time, but I suffer from anxiety.

Sometimes it's really, really bad.

Like, I cannot function bad.

So, this week I have a Dr.'s appointment to get some help.

And meds.

I need to get this under control now and stop putting my body

through such extreme stress and panic attacks. 

I just really, really, really want to be a mom.

I'm willing to try anything to help my chances. 

If you have suggestions, please let me know!

And if this doesn't turn out to be our year to get pregnant,
at least I will know I've tried everything I can and given it our very best effort. 

What A Year

What a year 2011 has been. 

It has been full of moments of happiness, love, joy, tears and extreme hurt.

We finally saw an RE and were had a few attempts at getting pregnant.

Each attempt was unsuccessful. 

They brought millions of tears, moments of doubt, and tons of frustration. 

But with each new cycle our faith was renewed that one day we would be parents. 

We are still holding on with all our might to that faith.

This past year we also made a huge decision to move to Texas.

It was something we discussed for years and finally made the leap.

Leaving my family and friends ripped my heart out. 

But it's reminded me how much they mean to me and I will never again take them for granted. 

While living in Texas hasn't been everything we dreamed of,

it is growing on me and I actually do love the area we live in. 

More than anything this past year has brought Travis and I so much closer.

I know neither of us ever thought we would face some of the trials we have,

but it has forced us to communicate our true emotions at times we really didn't want to.

For that I am grateful.

I have seen a side of my husband I may have never seen if not for these challenges. 

Our marriage isn't perfect, 

but every day I know I married the best guy for me.

2012 will be our year.

It has to be! 

Christmas 2011

Christmas has come and gone. 

I know I've said it before, but I cannot believe just how fast this past year went. 

We spent Christmas Eve just the two of us.

It was so nice.

We went to candlelight service at church, which is one of my favorite traditions of Christmas.

The church service was probably one of the worst ever. 

The entire 45 minute message was about "conceiving" and "delivering" the message of God to others. 

 At one point he asked you to turn to the person next to you and say
"God wants to get you pregnant".

Let's just say, this did not sit well with me.

I sobbed the entire service. 

I honestly don't know why we didn't just get up and walk out. 

When we did leave Travis even said the pastor took it way too far. 

A lovely start to Christmas.

After church we went home and made chicken tortilla soup. 

Actually, Travis made it while I downed an entire bottle of champagne. 

Nothing like drinking your feelings away.

Christmas morning we slept in, Skyped with my parents and then headed to Travis' parents house.

We had a nice time hanging out and opening presents.

They got me a North Face jacket which I am so excited about! 

I also racked up 3 Starbucks gift cards, score. 

And Travis got me a North Face scarf.

This Cali girl cannot handle the cold winter weather here!

Overall it was a lovely Christmas.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas too!

Bah Humbug

I cannot believe Christmas is only 2 days away.

December has just flown by.

Hell, 2011 has flown by. 

This is the first year EVER that I'm just not into Christmas.

And if you know me, you know that's just insane. 

I LOVE Christmas.

I don't know if it's because it's our first year away from my family.

Or because we aren't doing gifts this year. 

Or because of all the stress we have been under.

Or because I was just certain last Christmas that by this Christmas

I would at least be pregnant, if not have a baby. 

 I actually think it's a combination of all of those.

I'm trying really hard to get in the spirit. 

But all the music, holiday cheer and lights just aren't doing it. 

I did get a fantastic present in the mail last week from a certain someone,

and it put the biggest smile on my face.

While Christmas is not about getting presents,

it made me happy to know I have a great and caring friend out there.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! 

May you spend the day with loved one's 

and remember the true meaning of this wonderful day. 

It's A Learning Process

Monday I went to my RE for my baseline appointment

so we could start cycle number 4.

How on earth I'm only on my 4th attempt this year blows my mind. 

I digress.

I had my sonogram and knew something was wrong.

My Dr always turns the screen away from you, which drive me insane,

and he never says a single word until he is done with the sonogram.

But he was spending an awful lot of time on my left ovary. 

Sure enough he told me I had two very large cysts on my left ovary.

Which means we will be sitting out another cycle.

I was not happy in the least bit.

As it was we were only going to be able to use Femara this cycle,

as I have to have one more failed attempt without injectables for insurance to cover them in the future.

And given that as of the first we have a huge deductible to meet again,

I was upset and pissed.

By now you would think I would know that anytime I try to plan things,

they end up going the completely opposite way.

I'm pretty sure God is trying to tell me no matter how hard I try to control everything,

I really have no control over anything. 

I'm learning. Slowly but surely.

Hopefully we can start our next cycle sometime in February. 

Maybe 2012 will be our year?

Dear Me,

A little note to myself for the future.

Dear Jenn,

The grass isn't always greener. 

Next time you get the idea to pack up and move away from your family 

and friends for the life you dream of, don't do it.

While your family and friends will offer you fantastic support while you are gone,

it will never compare to being able to spend time with them and allowing yourself

to be embraced with love and hugs on your worst days. 

The lifestyle you dreamed of and moved away for won't compare to spending 

holidays and birthday and Sunday afternoons with loved one's.

Things aren't always as they seem.

Just because a place seems it will offer you more opportunities, doesn't mean it will.

You may find yourself alone all the time while Travis is working.

Just because everyone says there are plenty of job opportunities where you are headed,

doesn't mean there will be any waiting for you. Even if your SIL who has no previous

job experience and a ridiculous college degree gets a good paying job.
You may be left returning to a job you hate just to pay your bills.

You may one day look back and realize the happiness you long for
was right there in front of you.
And that things weren't really that bad.
The life you dream of will happen one day.
Not when you want it to happen,
and probably not the way you thought it would happen.
But one day you will look around and realize that being close to family
and friends is what life is really all about.
Not a house, a car, or any materialistic thing.
So stop trying to chase the life you imagine having and start enjoying the one you have.
And find a way to get your ass back to California as soon as you can.

xoxo,
me

Third Times Not The Charm

I know I haven't been around much the past few weeks. 

I'm sure you are just devastated!

I haven't been around because we have been going through IF treatments.

I didn't want to blog about it because I was hoping it would work 

and I could surprise family and friends for Christmas.

I'm going to back up a bit and fill you in.

At the end of October we thought we would have to take November off

due to financial situations. I was not very happy about this.

Then AF came earlier than anticipated and we decided to just go for it since we only had

two months left of full insurance coverage. 

My RE ordered my meds and the day of my baseline appointment I found out

insurance would not cover the injectables because I hadn't had three failed Clomid cycles.

I cried and cried like I haven't cried before. I was pissed.

My RE's office was amazing and gave me a Gonal F pen for free.

Then God answered my prayers and my fabulous friend Kristin

offered to give me all her meds she wasn't using anymore.

Such a incredible blessing.

For the past month we used Femara mixed with Gonal F injections.

Going into our IUI procedure I wasn't thrilled as even with the Gonal F I still only produced one follicle. 

That was really upsetting to me. 

But I had hope I would be getting a BFP for an early Christmas present.

I also started taking Progesterone this cycle.

Holy hell, that stuff made me CRAZY.

I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have in the past two weeks.

Poor Travis.

I started testing early because I have no self control.

I know it sounds insane, but by 9dpo I was getting BFN's and I just knew this wasn't our cycle.

I kept testing, and BFN after BFN.

Last night I forgot to take my progesterone and by this afternoon AF showed up.

Another cycle bites the dust.

Needless to say today has been a hard day. 

We are going to try this last cycle in December, but unfortunately 

we are only able to do Femara and IUI this time. 

At least after this cycle our insurance will cover injectable meds.

I don't have too much hope that this cycle will do anything,

but I keep telling myself God can work miracles. 

I would love nothing more than to be pregnant going into the new year.

Little Men, Volume 2

Most of you probably don't know but I have the most fantastic sister in the whole world.

I really would be lost without her.

She has been a photography assistant for the past 5 years, and is working on breaking out on her own.

I'm so proud of her and I hope that she is able to accomplish all of her dreams.

A few weeks ago both my cousins had their baby boys. 

The same boys we threw this baby shower for back in July.

They live within minutes of each other, so my sister drove up there for the day to take their pictures.

I just love how they turned out. 

Sweet, precious boys. 

Baby Dylan

 Baby Isaac

 

Isaac's Big Sisters, Kayla and Mallory

The One Where I Judge

I try really hard not to judge parents. 

I know one day I will be pulling my hair out and doing just about anything I can to 

please/calm/make my kid eat and doing things I said I would never do.

But, this is where I draw the line, and I judge the hell out of parents.

Ordering your 10 month old a sprite.

Changing your child's diaper at the booth, instead of the restroom that is 10 steps away.

Ordering your 7 year old a bowl of shredded cheese as her meal.

Allowing your 2 year old to eat an entire adult portion dessert, by themself. 

Those are just a few of my favorites.

I'm sure I have several more I could add, I just can't think of any right now. 

My Favorite Cookies

Friday night I had the itch to bake something. 

Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies sounded like a good choice. 

These are my all time favorite cookies.

The dough is fantastic. Even better than regular chocolate chip cookie dough.

I don't know where this recipe came from, my mom has had it forever, so don't bother asking. 

Here is what you are going to need.

A cocktail...it makes everything better and more enjoyable. 

On to the actual ingredients...

2 cups flour

1 cup quick oats

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp salt

1 cup butter

1 cup brown sugar

1 c sugar

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla

1 cup canned pumpkin

1 cup chocolate chips (or the whole bag if you are me)

Pre-heat the oven to 350 

Mix butter, sugars, egg and vanilla.

Slowly add and alternate between pumpkin and dry ingredients. 

Continue mixing.

Add chocolate chips.

Bake for about 14 minutes.

Try not to inhale all of them at once.

Still Waiting

Travis has his interview a little over a week ago,

and we have yet to hear anything since.

It's driving me nuts. 

He was asked during his interview if we were open to relocating. 

We are insane and said yes. 

Who knows, we could be moving again much sooner than we though.

 

We did receive more information about the Arkansas location,

and there is NO way it's going to happen. 

We would be in the middle of nowhere.

When I looked up a RE through our insurance, there wasn't one within 100 miles.

 That sealed the deal for us. 

We know there are two positions available in Houston,

one in an area that from what I have seen online, looks awesome.

Trav's area director told him he sent his information to other markets,

but we have no idea what markets those are, and if they include Houston. 

 

So, we are just sitting here waiting to hear something. Anything. 

I don't exactly "wait" well.

Especially when it involves a pay raise. 

A rather substantial one. 

One of these days I will learn I can't control everything,

and I've got to just sit back and know things will happen at the right time.

Thoughts..

A few months ago my sister sent this to me.

I sobbed while reading it.

Last night Kim sent it to me.

I cried again. 

Every single time I read it, I cry. 

Enjoy.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. 

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Holy Hives

This post is a bit random, but I'm wondering if anyone can offer any insight.

For the past 2.5 - 3 months Travis has been breaking out in hives.

Horribly.

Not just a few here and there, we are taking these bad boys cover his arms, legs and chest.

His lips swell to size that would make the Real Housewives jealous.

They itch, make his body swell and he is completely miserable.

Nothing in his "environment" has changed, he isn't eating anything new, no new body wash or detergent. 

He isn't taking any new medication.

We really have no idea why he is breaking out, we are assuming it's from stress.

 He talked to his doctor about it, and he told him there wasn't much he could do. 

He takes Zantac and Zyrtec, but they don't help too much.

Last night however it got really bad.

His lips were huge. The biggest I've ever seen.

His whole face started swelling. 

His entire chest and back were covered in hives. 

He even started losing his voice as his throat was swelling. Good times.

Has anyone dealt with anything like this?

Or do you know any ways to easy the pain and discomfort? 

He tried an oatmeal bath, but it didn't do much. 

He is going back to see his doctor to discuss this, but considering it's happening nearly 

every single day, any insight you may have would be greatly appreciated.

Say What?

I realize I haven't been posting much,

but I refuse to bitch and moan on every single blog post. 

That's what Twitter and Facebook are for! ha

Anyways, things are starting to get better out here.

I decided to go back to being a server. 

I swore I was never going to do that.

But when you have no income coming in, and it will be the difference

between trying again next cycle or not, there wasn't even a second thought.

Plus, I'm only working lunches, and still making decent money, so it's not horrible..

aside from serving assholes, and dealing with a management team that has no idea what they are doing.

Travis' job though has taken a bit of a turn. 

He was approached last week to interview for a general manager position that is available.

We were both a little shocked. 

Not because he doesn't deserve it, he really does, but because we have only been here 7 weeks!

His interview is Friday. 

Any prayers you could spare would be very much appreciated. 

This position would mean more nights at home, and a pretty decent raise.

And that right now would be such a huge blessing. 

Plus it would open doors for us when we are able to move back to California.

Today however he was approached by his area director as well as another area director.

Basically, he would be guaranteed a general manager position if we were willing to relocate...

to Arkansas!

Travis said he nearly crapped his pants when they told him that.

Once the shock of the location wore off, we talked about it.

I can't believe I am saying this, but we are open to hearing more about it.

He will get more details Friday at his interview. 

It's my understanding if he took the position, we would be moving rather soon.

We were talking tonight about how we think this move was the right decision.

In such a short time frame there have been so many opportunities presented to Travis.

Opportunities that we wouldn't have had in California. 

We are so thankful for these blessings and opportunities. 

Last Week

As I mentioned earlier my parents were here visiting last week.

It was so nice to have them here.

We didn't do too much, but just getting to hang out was fantastic.

They got a room for two nights at a local resort and I went and hung out

with them while they stayed there. We pretty much drank and hung out by the pool the entire time.

My kind of day.

Thursday Travis was supposed to be off work, so we headed to Cowgirls stadium. 

My Dad and Travis were super excited to go on the self guided tour. 

I thought it would be cool, but wasn't as excited as they were.

Until we got there.

And I stepped foot on the field.

I lost my shiz.

I was like a 12 year old boy seeing b00bs for the first time.

I was running up and down the field.

Taking a million pictures.

Running play's with my dad and Travis.

It was awesome.

Until my dad forgot he was 53 and make several attempts to kick a field goal,

which resulted in a pulled hamstring and him limping for the next 24 hours.

The rest of the tour was a little lame.

But I did get to see where hottie Miles Austin gets dressed, so that worked for me!

I wish I had pictures, but they are all on my mom's camera which is back in California.

As soon as we got home, Travis got called in to work.Great ending to the day.

They left Saturday morning, and we have been chatting on Skype every day since.

I miss them so much, but I'm so thankful they were able to come out and visit.

Now I've just got to get some more people out here to visit!

Randoms

This post will be a dump of random stuff. Enjoy.

~My parents have been here for the past 5 days and I have LOVED having them here.

I really don't want them to leave tomorrow morning. I'm going to be a mess.

~My job hunt still sucks. I never in a million years thought it was going to be this hard. 

~Tomorrow we are going to the car dealership and attempting to work out a deal 

to trade in my car. I know it's just a car, but it sucks. 

~My 18 pregnant friends have started having their babies. It's worse than watching 

them all announce their pregnancy. Here they are having their babies, and I'm still 

trying my hardest to get pregnant. It's so unfair.

~The pain of IF sucks, and while I would never wish it on anyone, I kinda wish some people 

knew the pain and frustration of struggling with IF. I have so many friends who take it for granted. 

Maybe I am naive because I've never been pregnant, but I just want to tell some of them 

to sit back and try to enjoy it. It's not that easy for everyone, and many people would LOVE to be in their position.

~I ventured out to Hobby Lobby for the millionth time today and bought some fabric. They have

the most adorable fabric. I could spend hundreds of dollars there. Thank goodness I don't have 

a steady income so that won't be a problem. 

~While this move has been anything close to fun, easy or remotely enjoyable, it has brought

Travis and I closer together and taught us to rely on each other more than we ever have before.

This situation has reminded me what an awesome guy I married.

~This is going to sound terrible, but I'm shocked how stupid some of my "friends" are when it comes 

to their own labor and delivery. It makes me sad they are so uneducated about it, but then I wonder 

why they don't research it and know what's really going on with their own body. 

~Maybe I am just crazy but I'm really surprised how many people are willing to drop $500+ on a 

crib for their child, but only spend $200 on a stroller/travel system/convertible car seat. REALLY?

Your child's car seat, that could essentially save their life, you are to be a cheap ass on, but there 

is no holding back on a piece of furniture that will sit there for maybe 2 years.

Please tell me if I am missing something, because I just don't get it.

Thank You

I just want to say thank you for the comments and emails I received. 

You all are so kind and generous, and I really appreciate the thoughts and prayers.

I really can't thank you enough.

Travis and I have had some time to talk about how or what we can do to make changes

that will allow us to financially go forward with treatment. 

Who knows when or if I will get a "real" job with a substancial income.

I can't just wait around for that to happen to keep trying to grow our family. 

(Don't get me wrong, I'm still sending out resumes every single day. ugh)

In the meantime, we are getting rid of my beloved car. 

I LOVE my car, but it's just a car, and I would rather spend the money towards our treatments.

Clearly it's not going to cover much, but an extra $200 is an extra $200 that we could really use right now. 

I'm working. It's not exactly what I want to be doing, but it's a small..very small paycheck. 

And right now, some income is better than no income. 

So, that's life in Texas right now.

Not at all what I thought it was going to be. 

But my parents get here in a week and I cannot wait! 

And thank you again for all your kind words.

They really have helped so much. 

You all are awesome!

Untitled

I've tried to stay away from blogging lately because I have nothing but negative things to say.

And I didn't want to totally be "that" blogger. 

But it is life right now. 

I know my life isn't horrible, we are just going through a really rough time right now.

The job I was supposed to have a third interview with fell through.

A currently employee of the company asked to transfer, so they filled the position.

I had two other interviews with a company, and the title of the job was far

from the actual duties of the job. It paid like shit and was only 25 hours max each week.

So I'm back to taking a retail job that pays slim to none, and is only part time.

In the mean time, I'm sending out resumes every day and

looking for a second part time job, because we need the money.

While we were living in San Diego we knew we had an issue with our mail, 

half the time it was that our apartment number was missing, even though we always wrote it down.

Many, many other times we simply never got our mail. 

We've had several medical bills go to collections because we never received the bills. 

That's the first time we find out about them.

We thought we had received all of them and were up to date on payments.

Until we moved, changed our address and suddenly medical bills are rolling on in. 

I just got one today that says date of service is January 2011. 

WTF?

To make a really long story short, as much as it kills me, 

we have to stop trying to have baby.

At least for a little while.

We are just so far in over heads right now.

I'm devastated. 

But we just don't have any other options right now. 

So if you don't see me around blogging for a while, you know why.

I just can't really deal right now, so I'm just taking some time for myself to deal with things.

This Isn't For Me

Can someone please explain to me how ladies are stay at home wives. 

Because I have no idea how they don't lose their mind.

Stay at home mom's, I totally get it. I hope to be one some day.

But at a stay at home wife, I just don't get it.

I'm bored out of my mind. 

And I have plenty of things I could/should be doing.

There is a blogger I read who's joy in life is to be a stay at home wife,

I thought she was crazy before (for many other reasons also) but now I know 

for a certain fact she is certifiably insane.

Maybe it's because I don't have friends to meet up with,

and we are too broke for me to be able to go out and go shopping,

but I would never want to do this day in and day out.

I need some human interaction.

Maybe I'm missing something, but this just isn't for me!

On that note, prayers would be very much appreciated.

I have a third interview with a company on Thursday,

and I really want and need this job.

It would allow us to start paying off debt and putting money in savings.

And it will get me out of the house.

It's a win win.

 

We're In

We are finally in our own place and out of my inlaw's house!

Hallelujah.

Friday my mother in law and I painted.

Yesterday we moved everything in.

I never want to move again..except back to California.

Our new place isn't super big, but it's bigger than our last one.

If you can believe this, our first apartment was 542 sq. ft.

Ya, it's no wonder we nearly killed each other every day.

This place, while still not "big", is much bigger for us, at a whopping 840 sq. ft.

I have a beautiful kitchen.

Complete with granite counter tops and beautiful glass sconces hanging over my kitchen island.

It's like a dream.

Maybe once all the boxes get put away I will take some pictures.

Because I'm sure you are just dying to see the place.

*there really needs to be a sarcastic font*

But we are home. 

At least what will be home for the next year.

And fingers crossed we have to move into something bigger next year 

because there is a baby joining our family.

One can only  hope.

On A Positive Note

I got a job offer this morning.

It's not  long term career type of job, 

but it's full time and will pay all my bills each month.

So color me THRILLED!

I will be working in a day care with kiddos ages 12 - 18 months.

I LOVE this age.

It was probably my favorite age with Sophia and Lily. 

I'm a little worried how it's going to work with me needing time off to go to RE appointments,

but we will just have to cross that bridge when the time comes.

And we are moving out of the in-law's in just 48 short hours.

Can I get an amen!

Things are looking up.

Things Are Changing

Things are certainly changing in our lives right now.

Travis started at his new store, and the hours are much longer.

He is hating it. 

He loved his last store. He loved his employees. He loved his GM.

I was offered a part time position at a retail store (I'm still looking for a "real" job)

and it pay's a whopping $9.50 an hour. 

All my paychecks combined would hardly cover my car payment, 

let alone the rest of the giant stack of bills.

I guess when the cost of living is much lower, companies don't have to pay as well.

This has been really hard for me to handle. 

The fact that I'm paying $40,000+ in student loans,

and can only get a job that will pay me $9 bucks an hour. Seriously?!?!

I have sent out at least 40 resumes. 

Times are desperate. And so I am.

I've starting applying for jobs I would have never considered before.

Positions I don't really want, but that pay better than $9/hour

and would allow us to pay off our debt, which was a huge reason for moving in the first place.

We, (like idiots) assumed this would be our chance to catch up financially

and put us in the position that when we do have a child (and you know how well that's going)

we could afford for me to stay home and not have all this debt.

Guess we were wrong.

At least for now. 

I'm praying and praying with every ounce of my being 

that a "real" job will come along soon. 

One that will at least pay what I was making in California.

And now I must go send out more resumes....

Randoms. Volume 4

This post is just a bunch of randoms. 

1.The weather here in Texas is mother flippin' HOT!

Last week was pretty nice and cool, but this week it's back in the 100's. 

Lovely.

2. I bought some fall scented candles the other day, and a fall smelly for my car.

They are divine.

Get yourself from Bath & Body stat.

3. The  job hunt out here sucks.

I've sent out at least 40 resumes, and I'm not having much luck. 

This is a great economy to be fresh out of college and looking for a job. 

4. I went to a ladies dinner thingy with my mother-in-law at her church tonight.

The food was terrible.

But the message was just what I needed these days. 

5. Not only does not working such because we need the income,

but every time I go to the store and buy something I feel guilty.

I never thought I would feel this way, I always assumed I would be thrilled to spend Trav's money,

but I hate knowing I'm not contributing to our family in any way right now.

6. I miss my family.

Terribly.

I miss the girls. 

Every day I think about what we would be doing at that exact time. 

Who's dumbass idea was it to move out here?

The New Plan

Today Travis and I met with my new RE here in Texas.

He had great online reviews and had won several "favorite doctor" awards, 

so I was hoping he would live up to the hype.

I can see why everyone loves him.

He is wonderful. 

He took his time and explained things, answered any questions we had, listened to

what I had to say, and never made me feel rushed to get to the next patient. 

We discussed everything and created our new plan.

I had an idea going in to this appointment what treatment I wanted to try next. 

He listened and gave me his opinion. 

He did say that if I wasn't pregnant in the next 2 cycles 

he wanted to check to see if I had endometriosis.

But since that requires surgery and being completely knocked out, he wanted to 

wait to do that until I had at least 4 unsuccessful attempts at getting pregnant.

So, as soon as my next cycle starts I will start Femara. 

No Clomid this cycle, although Femara is a similar drug. 

In addition to Femara I will be giving myself Gonal F injections every other day.

At CD9 I will have an ultrasound to see how my follies are growing, and adjust the injections as needed.

He also agreed that I needed help with my progesterone.
So I will be adding that to the mix this cycle as well after my IUI procedure.

Overall, I'm really happy with our new plan.

Today I have hope!

Tomorrow could be another story, but for today I'm hopeful for this cycle.

Now I just continue to wait....and wait...and wait for my next cycle to begin.

Hey Y'all

 We finally made it to Texas.

It was just a short little 28 hour drive. 

NEVER. AGAIN.

We had a few mishaps along the way, which included pulling over in Arizona 

to unload the entire trailer and repack it.

In 108 degree weather.

But it helped immensely in the long run.

And it was a million times safer after we did that.

But it still sucked balls.

Anyways, we are finally here.

I am still in shock that this actually happened.

Saying goodbye to my family was worse than I thought it was going to be.

I haven't cried that hard since my Grandpa passed away a few years ago.

My mom was a complete mess, full on hyperventilating sobbing.

My sister refused to cry in front of me, yet I still lost my mind as I hugged her goodbye.

My dad tried to keep it together, but he cried too.

I guess we are a family of hot messes.

So now the real fun begins.

We are staying with my in law's for the next 13 days 

until we can move into our new place.

I am FREAKING out about finding a job and have applied to every single place I can think of.

The stress of not having any income is really getting to me.

Oh, and since we are a one income family right now,

it would only make sense that the trailer we rented for the move wasn't big enough for all our stuff.

So we had to get rid of tons of stuff.

I realize it's just stuff, but now we have to buy all new things.

Normally I would be super excited about that, 

but not right now with me not working. 

(*note to self: don't let travis be the judge of how much will fit in uhaul next time we move)

So the very little amount of money I had set aside for decorating,

will now be going to purchasing all new stuff that I had just days ago.

At least shopping will keep me busy and out of this house!

Rollercoaster

I've been dealing with a rollercoaster of emotion's lately.

Some days I'm okay and have faith for the future,

other days I am completely down and have no faith that we will ever have kids.

This past cycle has been the hardest for me.

It took so long to finally get to a place where we had an actual chance each month,

and now I just have to sit here not knowing when our next chance will come.

I think about how awesome it would be if I could just have a "normal" cycle this month,

but then I think realistically, and realize I haven't had a normal cycle in years, why would it start now?

 Adding to difficulty accepting this failed cycle and making thing a  

little harder is that I read so many infertility blogs.

 Many of them were at the same point in a cycle as I was. 

In the past week three of them have announced they are pregnant.

I don't know these people, but I am thrilled for them. 

Thrilled they don't have to deal with IF anymore.

But then, I'm sad. Why isn't it my turn? 

When is it going to be my turn?

Am I ever going to even get a chance to be pregnant?

I can't help but run through all these questions in my head.

I'm ready for the rollercoaster to end.

It's not fun getting your hopes up only to be let down, month after month after month. 

Packing, Packing, Packing

Oh my word, I hate packing.

I started before I left for my week long trip to Texas,

and there was plenty left waiting for me when I returned.

Seriously, packing and moving is a nightmare.

In the midst of packing all our crap,

I realized just how much stuff I have.

More like, just how much baby stuff I have.

I have talked before about how if I see things for a great deal, I'm just going to buy it.

I certainly never thought I would "storing" things this long and not getting to put them to use.

But I've already gone on and one about that. 

So I thought it would be funny to show you all just how crazy I am,

and how much stuff I already have.

This should be a good laugh for all of you!

Oh, and this doesn't include the 20 gallon tub of clothing I have. God help me. 

Hotsling's Sling..$10 brand new @ Target

Jack Purcell's...$9 at Converse Outlet

Miracle Blanket..I think I paid around $8 brand spankin' new

Swaddle Design's Blanket...$4 at Babies R Us.

Boppy..Kim gave it to me!

Svan Bouncer...$15 at second hand kid's store..I plan on buying a new bouncer fabric set

Kissaluv's Cloth Diapers, I think I paid around $20 for 7

LilyPad..I won this on a giveaway!

My absolute favorite and the best gift I have ever received (aside from my engagement ring)

So there you have it. 

I'm not going to lie, there is lot's more I left off.

I couldn't let you see how insane I really am!

 

Going, Going Back to Back to Cali, Cali

Woohoo! 

Tomorrow I get to go back to California!

At least for about ten days.

Then comes the day I am dreading, moving day.

We officially leave September 1st

But I don't want to think about that right now.

These next nine days I am going to try to cherish every moment.

The last time I will get to see many friends for a while.

The last time I will get to see the girls until their 2nd birthday.

And the last time I get to see my family.

Typing that is like a dagger in my heart. 

 This weekend is our going away party.

I just want to enjoy it.

Enjoy the time with loved one's.

And spend our last few days with the people we love the most. 

This next week is going to be filled with so many tears.

But I'm going to try to remember the good times.

And start planning our move back to Cali!

My Last Day

It's been just over a week and I feel like I can finally blog about this without sobbing my way through it.

Last Friday was my last day with Sophia and Lily.

These girls mean the world to me, and I love them as though they are my own children.

I knew it was going to be a hard day.

I got to work and Kim had a lovely basket of goodies waiting for me.

I have been beyond spoiled by her. 

Yet again, she went way beyond what she should have.

The basket was full of all sorts of goodies.

Some for the road trip, and some for our new place.

Each gift had a tag with an explanation of what it was for.

Kim's attention to detail is insane!

Each and every gift in there meant so much to me.

She knows me so well, and it showed in every gift.

And while I LOVE everything in that basket, and each thing will forever remind me Kim and the girls,

the best gift I am taking away from this is her friendship and my relationship with the ladies.

I know we will always be in each others lives.

I know she will always be there for me.

I know one day the girls will get to have play dates with our kids.

I didn't take a picture of everything together, so there are things missing.

And please keep in mind these pictures were taking in my dungeon I'm currently holed up in at the IL's.

Here are most of the goodies...

This is the coolest vase, it's made from real birch. It's amazing in person.

A print I wanted for our new place.

Travis, I mean we, are big UT fans! I adore these and cannot wait to use them.

Gift cards to Hobby Lobby (my fav) In-N-Out, 'Bucks and Market Street (my fav grocery store)

This is my absolute favorite. A photo album of the girls.

Surprise

Surprise....not the kind I was hoping for.

Our first IUI was a bust.

Wednesday I was on a high after I had just found the perfect apartment for Travis and I.

I went to the mall nearby to kill some time.

I ran to the restroom and much to my surprise I noticed I was spotting.

FML.

I was only 9dpo.

Deep in my heart I knew it wasn't implantation bleeding,

but I wanted so badly to believe it could be.

By Thursday morning I had a clear confirmation it was not implantation bleeding.

So, yesterday was CD1.

Joy.

I wasn't terribly upset at the time, because at the beginning of this cycle I had very little hope.

So I wasn't that shocked.

What was difficult was that I started much earlier than I should have.

Before I left for Texas my RE and I made a plan. 

Should this cycle not have worked, she would do an US and give me Clomid for the month.

That way Travis and I could try this month, and it would keep my cycle's going.

Well, that all went right out the window since I started 5 days early.

So now, I just have to sit and wait for my next cycle to start. 

Which given my history, could be anywhere from 32 to 54 days from now.

Rad.

Just what I want to do, wait and wait and wait.

I'm not even going to try to sugar coat this...

I was a raging bitch today.
I couldn't even look at pregnant women, I was immedietly filled with anger and hurt.

The FB status updates...it took all of me not to say something.

I wanted nothing more than to write this:

"I don't give a flying fuck about your pregnancy. Must be nice to get pregnant the first time you try or even better, on accident. Some of us aren't that lucky. So while you are so concerned with how much weight you are gaining or how long until you can have your first drink, I'm busy wondering if I can ever get pregnant, and how many cycles I can get in before the end of the year when my insurance coverage ends. Must be nice to not have to worry about those things, right?"

I'm very, very bitter today.

This just doesn't seem fair.

We want a child so badly. 

My heart just breaks every night. 

I just want to be a mom and I want to make Travis a dad.

But clearly for us, it's not that simple.

Bored. As. Hell

Early this morning my dad and I left for Texas.

We are heading out there so my car is there, and so I can look for a job & apartment.

I knew this drive was going to be long, like 1300+ miles,

but I was not prepared for just how damn boring the drive is.

Holy shiz.

Watching paint dry might be just as entertaining. 

These pictures are from places all along the 11 hour drive...

notice how the scenery doesn't change much.

I was going to run to Target last night to grab some magazines and a book,

but we ran out of time before they were going to close. 

I MUST get magazines for tomorrow's part of the trip.

Tonight we stopped in El Paso, Texas.

Good heavens, this place is a shit hole. 

Sorry if you happen to live here or like it,

but it's a far cry from the streets of So Cal that I am accustom to!

I know DFW isn't going to be the same as San Diego, 

and that's perfectly fine with me, I'm looking forward to the change.

But El Paso, this place is just crap.

I told Travis had I seen this before every going to DFW, there is no way in hell

I would have never, ever considered moving to Texas.

Thank the good Lord we will be out of here in less than 12 hours!