Surprise

Surprise....not the kind I was hoping for.

Our first IUI was a bust.

Wednesday I was on a high after I had just found the perfect apartment for Travis and I.

I went to the mall nearby to kill some time.

I ran to the restroom and much to my surprise I noticed I was spotting.

FML.

I was only 9dpo.

Deep in my heart I knew it wasn't implantation bleeding,

but I wanted so badly to believe it could be.

By Thursday morning I had a clear confirmation it was not implantation bleeding.

So, yesterday was CD1.

Joy.

I wasn't terribly upset at the time, because at the beginning of this cycle I had very little hope.

So I wasn't that shocked.

What was difficult was that I started much earlier than I should have.

Before I left for Texas my RE and I made a plan. 

Should this cycle not have worked, she would do an US and give me Clomid for the month.

That way Travis and I could try this month, and it would keep my cycle's going.

Well, that all went right out the window since I started 5 days early.

So now, I just have to sit and wait for my next cycle to start. 

Which given my history, could be anywhere from 32 to 54 days from now.

Rad.

Just what I want to do, wait and wait and wait.

I'm not even going to try to sugar coat this...

I was a raging bitch today.
I couldn't even look at pregnant women, I was immedietly filled with anger and hurt.

The FB status updates...it took all of me not to say something.

I wanted nothing more than to write this:

"I don't give a flying fuck about your pregnancy. Must be nice to get pregnant the first time you try or even better, on accident. Some of us aren't that lucky. So while you are so concerned with how much weight you are gaining or how long until you can have your first drink, I'm busy wondering if I can ever get pregnant, and how many cycles I can get in before the end of the year when my insurance coverage ends. Must be nice to not have to worry about those things, right?"

I'm very, very bitter today.

This just doesn't seem fair.

We want a child so badly. 

My heart just breaks every night. 

I just want to be a mom and I want to make Travis a dad.

But clearly for us, it's not that simple.