Friday, August 19, 2011


Surprise....not the kind I was hoping for.
Our first IUI was a bust.

Wednesday I was on a high after I had just found the perfect apartment for Travis and I.
I went to the mall nearby to kill some time.
I ran to the restroom and much to my surprise I noticed I was spotting.
I was only 9dpo.
Deep in my heart I knew it wasn't implantation bleeding,
but I wanted so badly to believe it could be.

By Thursday morning I had a clear confirmation it was not implantation bleeding.
So, yesterday was CD1.
I wasn't terribly upset at the time, because at the beginning of this cycle I had very little hope.
So I wasn't that shocked.

What was difficult was that I started much earlier than I should have.
Before I left for Texas my RE and I made a plan. 
Should this cycle not have worked, she would do an US and give me Clomid for the month.
That way Travis and I could try this month, and it would keep my cycle's going.
Well, that all went right out the window since I started 5 days early.
So now, I just have to sit and wait for my next cycle to start. 
Which given my history, could be anywhere from 32 to 54 days from now.
Just what I want to do, wait and wait and wait.

I'm not even going to try to sugar coat this...
I was a raging bitch today.
I couldn't even look at pregnant women, I was immedietly filled with anger and hurt.
The FB status took all of me not to say something.
I wanted nothing more than to write this:
"I don't give a flying fuck about your pregnancy. Must be nice to get pregnant the first time you try or even better, on accident. Some of us aren't that lucky. So while you are so concerned with how much weight you are gaining or how long until you can have your first drink, I'm busy wondering if I can ever get pregnant, and how many cycles I can get in before the end of the year when my insurance coverage ends. Must be nice to not have to worry about those things, right?"

I'm very, very bitter today.
This just doesn't seem fair.
We want a child so badly. 
My heart just breaks every night. 
I just want to be a mom and I want to make Travis a dad.
But clearly for us, it's not that simple.


  1. I am so sorry. As much as I want to say to keep your spirit up, I know how much it sucks and how painful it is. So instead I will send you a huge hug and tell you that IF sucks and I am sorry you are going through this.

  2. NOOOO!!!! That sucks ass. I'm so so sorry. It sounds petty, but I have blocked everyone who's pregnant on fb. I just can't see their updates. It will work. It will work. It will happen. Can't your doc send you a scrip to start the Clomid now?? Oh, and you are super lucky that your insurance covers IF. Mine = big fat nothing. If a diagnosis of IF is made, all subsequent babymaking treatments are on me. How crappy is that?!?!

  3. I am so sorry about this cycle. I totally understand your feelings of frustration/pain/anger/sadness. IF truly, truly sucks. Sending big huge ((((((HUGS)))))) and positive thoughts for your next cycle.

  4. I randomly stumbled on your blog today and LOVE the blog title - my husband and I are also trying to make little Longhorns, and it's going about as well as yours. Second cycle of Clomid and in the 2WW and not optimistic and I HATE the Clomid because it makes me feel like crap. Anywho, I don't have PCOS but do have hypothyroidism, and I just wanted to tell you you're not alone :)


Site Design By Designer Blogs