Monday, April 2, 2012

Maybe Next Time

Cycle #4 has officially come to an end.

Friday night I started feeling terribly nauseous. 
I woke up Saturday morning feeling the same way.
When I got home from work Saturday night I decided to take a pregnancy test.
I knew it was really early, but I thought I do it anyway. 

For the first time ever, I walked away from the test. 
Staring at it until something happens has never helped in the past, 
so I went and sat on the couch, and for about 2 minutes actually forgot the test.
I jumped up and walked into the bathroom picked up the test, and there it was


My heart started racing.
It was very, very light.
But a line is a line, right?! 
I immediately called Kim, and when she didn't pick up I text her. 
I needed confirmation I wasn't just seeing things.
She freaked out with me and confirmed that yes, there were 2 pink lines. 
I would have grabbed a different test for a second set of results, but I had already dumped the pee.
 Travis was a work, and I didn't want to tell him over the phone, 
so I had to wait until he got home, which felt like an eternity. 
I wanted to call everyone and tell them, but I had to tell Travis first.
He got home, I told him, and he freaked out and started crying.
It was awesome! 
Then we called my sister and parents and told them.
There was no way in hell I could wait even 24 hours to tell them.

I woke up bright and early Sunday morning to take another test. 
Hoping and praying to see another, slightly darker line.
Well, there was nothing. 
I pulled out a different brand of test, and again, nothing.
I just knew it right then. 
Throughout the day I started spotting.

I knew in my heart that it was over. 
I prayed and prayed that God would work a miracle and it wasn't the beginning of the end.
I went in for a blood test this morning, and when the nurse saw me 
having my blood drawn she got a huge smile and congratulated me. (punch in the heart)
I told her what went down this weekend and she apologized,
and told me she was praying for me and promised to call as soon as she got the blood work back.
She called this afternoon to let me know it was negative.
And by late this afternoon Aunt Flo arrived. 

Travis had the day off today, and I ended up leaving work early because I felt like shit. 
I came home and we just hung out and talked.
We are both in a major funk today. 
It just sucks. 
We want this so damn bad. 
Thank you for all your prayers, we really do appreciate them. 

On to cycle #5 we go...


  1. I was in a funk today, too. I just feel terrible. I am just so sorry.
    I still have absolute faith that you will be a mom.

    Take this time to grieve the loss of your baby. HUGS.

  2. I am so sorry. I know I don't "know" you but I really do pray for you and Travis and baby to be. Wishing you peace while you wait and strength to keep trying. XOXO

  3. I'm so sorry. This totally blows, and I'm thinking of you (and your H, of course).

  4. Oh honey, this is so horrible. I am so very sorry. I am wishing and hoping and praying that you get your miracle.

  5. I'm am so sorry. Here's hoping #5 is a very lucky number.

  6. I am so sorry! Hugs. IF sucks.

  7. I hate this so bad. Praying for you guys that Cycle #5 is the one. Much love to you Jen.

  8. I am so sorry to hear this. My heart is heavy for you...
    Like Kim, I believe you will be a Mom. I hope you get your hearts desire so very soon. Again, so sorry for what you are going through.

  9. You know what this totally sucks. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A MOM!!! YOU WILL BE THE MOST AMAZING MOM! I hate that you have to go through this, WTF! Why do drug attick low lifes get prego on a whim and you have to go through this. IT JUST SERIOUSLY pisses me off!!!
    LOVE YOU FRIEND! Praying for you!

  10. Ahhh Jen!! I'm so sorry! To fly so high, means it hurts so much more when it's negative! I cried just reading your emotional rollercoaster! I know you'll be a wonderful, caring mom to a truly blessed child one day. You and Trav are in my prayers!!!
    I love you!


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