Rollercoaster

I've been dealing with a rollercoaster of emotion's lately.

Some days I'm okay and have faith for the future,

other days I am completely down and have no faith that we will ever have kids.

This past cycle has been the hardest for me.

It took so long to finally get to a place where we had an actual chance each month,

and now I just have to sit here not knowing when our next chance will come.

I think about how awesome it would be if I could just have a "normal" cycle this month,

but then I think realistically, and realize I haven't had a normal cycle in years, why would it start now?

 Adding to difficulty accepting this failed cycle and making thing a  

little harder is that I read so many infertility blogs.

 Many of them were at the same point in a cycle as I was. 

In the past week three of them have announced they are pregnant.

I don't know these people, but I am thrilled for them. 

Thrilled they don't have to deal with IF anymore.

But then, I'm sad. Why isn't it my turn? 

When is it going to be my turn?

Am I ever going to even get a chance to be pregnant?

I can't help but run through all these questions in my head.

I'm ready for the rollercoaster to end.

It's not fun getting your hopes up only to be let down, month after month after month. 

Packing, Packing, Packing

Oh my word, I hate packing.

I started before I left for my week long trip to Texas,

and there was plenty left waiting for me when I returned.

Seriously, packing and moving is a nightmare.

In the midst of packing all our crap,

I realized just how much stuff I have.

More like, just how much baby stuff I have.

I have talked before about how if I see things for a great deal, I'm just going to buy it.

I certainly never thought I would "storing" things this long and not getting to put them to use.

But I've already gone on and one about that. 

So I thought it would be funny to show you all just how crazy I am,

and how much stuff I already have.

This should be a good laugh for all of you!

Oh, and this doesn't include the 20 gallon tub of clothing I have. God help me. 

Hotsling's Sling..$10 brand new @ Target

Jack Purcell's...$9 at Converse Outlet

Miracle Blanket..I think I paid around $8 brand spankin' new

Swaddle Design's Blanket...$4 at Babies R Us.

Boppy..Kim gave it to me!

Svan Bouncer...$15 at second hand kid's store..I plan on buying a new bouncer fabric set

Kissaluv's Cloth Diapers, I think I paid around $20 for 7

LilyPad..I won this on a giveaway!

My absolute favorite and the best gift I have ever received (aside from my engagement ring)

So there you have it. 

I'm not going to lie, there is lot's more I left off.

I couldn't let you see how insane I really am!

 

Going, Going Back to Back to Cali, Cali

Woohoo! 

Tomorrow I get to go back to California!

At least for about ten days.

Then comes the day I am dreading, moving day.

We officially leave September 1st

But I don't want to think about that right now.

These next nine days I am going to try to cherish every moment.

The last time I will get to see many friends for a while.

The last time I will get to see the girls until their 2nd birthday.

And the last time I get to see my family.

Typing that is like a dagger in my heart. 

 This weekend is our going away party.

I just want to enjoy it.

Enjoy the time with loved one's.

And spend our last few days with the people we love the most. 

This next week is going to be filled with so many tears.

But I'm going to try to remember the good times.

And start planning our move back to Cali!

My Last Day

It's been just over a week and I feel like I can finally blog about this without sobbing my way through it.

Last Friday was my last day with Sophia and Lily.

These girls mean the world to me, and I love them as though they are my own children.

I knew it was going to be a hard day.

I got to work and Kim had a lovely basket of goodies waiting for me.

I have been beyond spoiled by her. 

Yet again, she went way beyond what she should have.

The basket was full of all sorts of goodies.

Some for the road trip, and some for our new place.

Each gift had a tag with an explanation of what it was for.

Kim's attention to detail is insane!

Each and every gift in there meant so much to me.

She knows me so well, and it showed in every gift.

And while I LOVE everything in that basket, and each thing will forever remind me Kim and the girls,

the best gift I am taking away from this is her friendship and my relationship with the ladies.

I know we will always be in each others lives.

I know she will always be there for me.

I know one day the girls will get to have play dates with our kids.

I didn't take a picture of everything together, so there are things missing.

And please keep in mind these pictures were taking in my dungeon I'm currently holed up in at the IL's.

Here are most of the goodies...

This is the coolest vase, it's made from real birch. It's amazing in person.

A print I wanted for our new place.

Travis, I mean we, are big UT fans! I adore these and cannot wait to use them.

Gift cards to Hobby Lobby (my fav) In-N-Out, 'Bucks and Market Street (my fav grocery store)

This is my absolute favorite. A photo album of the girls.

Surprise

Surprise....not the kind I was hoping for.

Our first IUI was a bust.

Wednesday I was on a high after I had just found the perfect apartment for Travis and I.

I went to the mall nearby to kill some time.

I ran to the restroom and much to my surprise I noticed I was spotting.

FML.

I was only 9dpo.

Deep in my heart I knew it wasn't implantation bleeding,

but I wanted so badly to believe it could be.

By Thursday morning I had a clear confirmation it was not implantation bleeding.

So, yesterday was CD1.

Joy.

I wasn't terribly upset at the time, because at the beginning of this cycle I had very little hope.

So I wasn't that shocked.

What was difficult was that I started much earlier than I should have.

Before I left for Texas my RE and I made a plan. 

Should this cycle not have worked, she would do an US and give me Clomid for the month.

That way Travis and I could try this month, and it would keep my cycle's going.

Well, that all went right out the window since I started 5 days early.

So now, I just have to sit and wait for my next cycle to start. 

Which given my history, could be anywhere from 32 to 54 days from now.

Rad.

Just what I want to do, wait and wait and wait.

I'm not even going to try to sugar coat this...

I was a raging bitch today.
I couldn't even look at pregnant women, I was immedietly filled with anger and hurt.

The FB status updates...it took all of me not to say something.

I wanted nothing more than to write this:

"I don't give a flying fuck about your pregnancy. Must be nice to get pregnant the first time you try or even better, on accident. Some of us aren't that lucky. So while you are so concerned with how much weight you are gaining or how long until you can have your first drink, I'm busy wondering if I can ever get pregnant, and how many cycles I can get in before the end of the year when my insurance coverage ends. Must be nice to not have to worry about those things, right?"

I'm very, very bitter today.

This just doesn't seem fair.

We want a child so badly. 

My heart just breaks every night. 

I just want to be a mom and I want to make Travis a dad.

But clearly for us, it's not that simple.

Bored. As. Hell

Early this morning my dad and I left for Texas.

We are heading out there so my car is there, and so I can look for a job & apartment.

I knew this drive was going to be long, like 1300+ miles,

but I was not prepared for just how damn boring the drive is.

Holy shiz.

Watching paint dry might be just as entertaining. 

These pictures are from places all along the 11 hour drive...

notice how the scenery doesn't change much.

I was going to run to Target last night to grab some magazines and a book,

but we ran out of time before they were going to close. 

I MUST get magazines for tomorrow's part of the trip.

Tonight we stopped in El Paso, Texas.

Good heavens, this place is a shit hole. 

Sorry if you happen to live here or like it,

but it's a far cry from the streets of So Cal that I am accustom to!

I know DFW isn't going to be the same as San Diego, 

and that's perfectly fine with me, I'm looking forward to the change.

But El Paso, this place is just crap.

I told Travis had I seen this before every going to DFW, there is no way in hell

I would have never, ever considered moving to Texas.

Thank the good Lord we will be out of here in less than 12 hours!

Here We Go Again...

The 2 week wait starts again.

This afternoon was my IUI.

It wasn't bad at all.

It was all over in 5 minutes.

I'm hopeful. 

The Dr. said 5 million sperm was considered "good".

Travis "donated" 18 million.

Let's hope one of them can find their way. 

She also said his motility went from 47% to 98%.

That made me very happy. 

Let the over analyzing begin!

Little Men

Back in July my sister and I threw a baby shower for my cousin's.

Both are having little boys, two weeks apart from each other. 

Since I wasn't sure at the time if I would still be living here,

we thought we would host a small family only baby shower.

And let's be honest, I was itching to throw a party. 

We went with a little men themed shower. 

It was a nice afternoon to spend with family, although it was a little harder on me than I anticipated.

We were on a fairly tight budget. So everything you see, we already had.

I think we spent $6 total on decor.

 The table decor

For lunch we served a salad bar so everyone could have exactly what they wanted.

We also had fruit skewers and olives & cheese skewers and a black bean/corn/avocado salad.

I have to say, this turned out really well.

I wish there were pictures of it. 

 These are our bowtie cupcakes. 

Don't look to closely at the frosting...it's pretty terrible looking. 

I should never attempt to frost cupcakes. 

The loot...however the pram belongs to me!

Each mama got a basket filled with goodies...

Swaddle blankets gift set, burp cloths, onesies and pants, hooded towels, Desitin,a travel wipes case,

and I made them each a car seat swaddle blanket.

We also got each of them a diaper bag, but there are no pictures. 

Overall I think it was a great day and I was pretty happy with how it turned out, 

especially considering our tight budget!!

Hello

I noticed I have some new follower's thanks to my BFF/boss Kim. 

Hello, and welcome to the most boring blog of all time! haha

It's true though.

You will quickly realize I'm not that interesting of a blogger.

And I certainly don't have lot's of pictures of super cute kiddos to post. 

But I thought I would give you a quick run through of who I am.

Although, Kim already did a pretty good job of filling you in.

I have been Sophia & Lily's nanny for the past 14 months. 

I can't say anything else about them or I will start sobbing.

My husband and I are moving to Texas at the end of this month.

He grew up there. I have only gone to visit three times.

One of those trips was only for 36 hours.

The most consecutive days I have spent there are six . 

And yet, I thought it would be a good idea to move there.

Now you can see that I am certifiably crazy. 

We have been TTC for almost 18 months.

I currently have 20 friends that are pregnant, and no, I'm not exaggerating.

Of them, not one has dealt with infertility. I guess I am the lucky winner of that title.

We are about to embark on our first IUI cycle this coming Monday.

I hope and pray it works, but I'm very doubtful. 

I'm generally a sarcastic, smart ass type person. 

I very much enjoy alcohol...Jack & Coke, Sangria, Absolut pear & sprite..just to name a few.

I don't have any pets because our current apartment won't allow us to.

Travis and I live in a 542 sq.ft apartment, and I firmly believe if we can survive that,

we can make it through just about anything together.

And although I'm clearly not pregnant, I have more baby gear that people with a 6 month old.

My sister and I talk to each other in British accents 98% of the time. 

I deal with wicked anxiety. 

I've seen six therapist's in my lifetime.

My husband tells me I don't have a filter, and it's very true.

So that's me in nutshell. 

Thanks for stopping by. 

 I will try not to bore the ever loving crap out of you. 

But I can't make any promises.

Pin's Of The Week

I have mentioned before my obsession with Pinterest.

Here are just a few of my favorite pins for the week.

Source

Trying to remind myself of this.

Pioneer Woman's grilled corn guacamole.

Sounds flippin' amazing. 

Earlier this week I made these.

Homemade Peanut Butter Cups

They were pretty darn good.

A huge mess to make, but still delicious!

Next on my list is to make these...

White Sangria Popsicles

Do they not look and sound delicious? 

Let me just tell you, I LOVE me some good sangria.

Like, sangria and Travis are tied for how much I love them. 

It's that deep of a love!

If I weren't sick I would be at the store right this very minute buying my supplies.

On second thought, I'm eating billions of popsicles to "sooth" my throat 

that feels like I am swallowing flaming shards of glass.

Maybe these will help?!

I better go hunt down some popsicles molds ASAP.

A Wonderful Mother

My sister found this for me yesterday.

I was having a hard day, and then I read this. 

I don't want to say women who become pregnant easily don't appreciate it,

but when you have hoped and prayed for months and years on end, it gives you a different perspective.

This should sum things up.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. 

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. 

My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, 

I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. 

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. 

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. 

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.