Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Oh Dear..

I type up a post this morning about how I have been struggling lately. 
I didn't post it because I felt all "Debbie Downer"
and that most all my post's are negative. 
Then this afternoon I took the girls to Barnes & Noble and
like an idiot I checked FB while we are there.
And what should my little green eyes see in front of them..
I'll give you one guess?!

If you guess ANOTHER F'ING pregnancy announcement,  you would be right.
Let's see, that brings the total to 14 since the beginning of the year,
but who's counting, right?
Now, cue hot big fat tears streaming down my face while I'm sitting in the children's section
and B&N reading a book to the girls.
They were probably wondering what the heck was going on!
We put our books away, and hightailed it out of there.
I managed to pull it together for the remainder of the day,
yet the second I stepped outside leaving work, the tears started rolling again.
And they didn't seem to stop my entire drive home.
It was good times, let me tell you.
I'm sure people driving by had a nice laugh!

I'm almost at a loss for words right now.
I'm overwhelmed with emotions.
I'm stressed beyond comprehension.
I have this feeling my thyroid (TSH) is still going to be high when it is tested in two weeks.
From what I understand, taking the thyroid med's should make many 
of my symptoms less and it should be apparent.
They aren't any less. Same as usual. I don't feel any different. 
High TSH means I cannot start Clomid.
Not starting Clomid means more sitting on my ass waiting.
More waiting means more tears, frustration, anger and bitterness.
Fun stuff I tell you, fun stuff.

I'm posting this not because I want sympathy,
but because I realized this afternoon, 
this is my life right now.
Whether I like it or not. 
I don't really care if I sound like Debbie Downer, this is my blog, and my life.
This is how I'm feeling and what I'm dealing with.
It freaking sucks. 
But I don't have the power to change it.
I really wish I did.

I've been listening to this song A LOT lately.
It basically sums up exactly how I feel.
I just can't say it as eloquently as she does.


  1. (((HUGS)))

    Let's drink our asses off next weekend. Sometimes that's all you can do to escape the pain, if even for a few hours.

  2. I may not know you in real life, but I like you! It's nice to hear someone not sugar-coat it with "it'll all be okay" and "it will happen when it's supposed to happen". Sometimes it does suck, and I appreciate the bluntness. I feel ya. :)

  3. I found your blog through kim's blog. I've been there, in your shoes, and I know it hurts. Just reading this, the memories I have of that kind of pain is fresh again. I wish I could give you an in real life...margarita. *hugs*

  4. Another friend of Kim's that found your blog through her blog and I just wanted to wish you the very best of luck. Lots and lots of hugs and happy thoughts being sent your way. I know how deep the hurt can get and it sucks to say that you're not alone but you're not and there's plenty of support out there if you ever need a shoulder to lean on.


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