Deja Vu

I could just copy and past the post from last month

and save myself the fun of typing it all over again. 

Here is the Cliff's Notes version:

10dpo: BFP

11dpo: BFN

BFN confirmed this afternoon by blood test

Like I said, deja vu. 

I'm depressed, angry, and bitter among other things.

I don't understand what keeps happening?

Am I doing something wrong?

Does my body hate me?

How long is this roller coaster going to continue?

Are we wasting our time and money?

What happened in the past month I could have done differently? 

UUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH.

I just want to scream. And cry. And scream while crying. 

This just isn't fair. 

Infertility is the cruelest. 

Pardon the f' bomb:

INFERTILITY FUCKING SUCKS.

Weekly Randoms

1. I have a huge bruise on my stomach from my trigger injection last week.

It's been 8 days and that beast is still there.

It doesn't hurt but goodness it's ugly. 

2. Travis and I started attending a home group bible study on Thursday nights.

We are both loving it.

It's great to be around other couples and have that time of fellowship.

I wish we had done this a long time ago. 

3. I'm over work right now. 

It's dead. I mean DEAD.

And lately most our customers are assholes.

Rude, entitled assholes. 

If you order furniture from me and I tell you it's going to be 8-10 

weeks for the MANUFACTURER to send it to us, 

it's not my fault it isn't here yet. Back off and shut up. 

And the next person to sigh 100 times while I'm installing their car seat

sweating my ass off because they don't know how to

can figure it out on their own. Learn to read the instruction manual next time. 

4. On that note, the number of people who tell me they did read the 

instruction manual on car seat installation yet then I check it and it is 

completely wrong would be 1 out of every 1. 

It's not that hard.

Yet 99.9 % of the seats I see are not installed correctly.

 5. I'm watching Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis. 

In my dreams he would come in and design and decorate my entire home. 

6. If there were a Olympic sport for getting amazing deals at Gap,

Kim would take home the gold, and I would be right behind with the silver. 

She trained me well. 

I walked out tonight with 8 items, including a ruffled bathing suit and a pair of jeans

and only spent $35! I should maybe mention these are baby clothes,

but it's still an incredible deal.  

My New Ride

Back in October we tried to get of my Highlander car lease.

It didn't happen. 

The best anyone would offer would have only lowered our payments 

$20 to $30 bucks a month. Not enough to make a difference. 

When we were living in San Diego the car payment was no big deal,

but now that I am making half of what I was it was hurting us. 

I recently became with friends some customers of mine, 

and after talking one day discovered Baby-Daddy works at a car dealership.

He told me he could get me out of my lease no problem. 

Monday Travis and I took a little drive to pay him a visit. 

Turns out he wasn't lying. 

We ended up leaving the dealership with a new car for me....

and a new car for Travis!

I know it sounds insane.

But we were able to lower our car payments, a combined $200/month.

Our car insurance rates are going to go down.

And, Travis alone will be saving almost $100/month on gas. 

It's what we felt we should do at this point in our life. 

We really need to lower our expenses, and this was one step to doing just that.

In all honesty, I loved my Highlander, but I never used it to it's potential.

Now, I realize a lot of that is because we don't have kids, 

but a HUGE reason we bought that car was for the third row.

Turns out you cannot put any time of car seat (including booster) in the third row. 

And considering a kiddo needs to be in a booster until they are at least 8, 

that's a looong time before I could use that third row. 

It just didn't make sense to keep a car that was costing us so much,

and we weren't able to utilize in it's full capacity. 

Here it is...but mine has tinted windows. 

A must here in Texas. 

 Source

 

Damn You Stress

Today was one of many RE appointments to see how the cycle was going. 

Each cycle my body seems to really take it's time,

slow and steady is what the nurse's love to call me. 

Today I finally had a follicle big enough, of course though I only have one.

I know one follicle is all I need, but I was really hoping with the increase in 

meds I would have at least 2 follicles. 

My nurse was a little surprised I only had 1 follicle as last month

I had 2 and all I was taking was Clomid. 

My response was "I was far less stressed last month".

She said that's probably why I only had one.

Awesome.

I've heard a million times how stress can effect infertility. 

I guess I didn't realize just how much of an effect it can make. 

I am TERRIBLE at staying calm.

I get worked up over the smallest, dumbest stuff. 

Not to mention last week I had a full on anxiety attack one night. 

I told Travis for the next 2 weeks I am checking out. 

I'm not dealing with anything. 

I need to stay as stress free as possible.

If only I could pause life around me for those two weeks. 

God, please grant me patience the next 16 days. 

 

Weekly Randoms

I've decided I'm just going to do a weekly randoms post,

since I rarely have enough material for full blog posts. 

On to this weeks randoms...

1. Most exciting of all, my sister and BIL closed on their first house today! 

I am beyond thrilled for them.

I cannot wait to go out there in a few months to see the house. 

So proud of you Sista'!

2. I've finally started to make some friends out here.

I will say, people here in Texas are pretty darn friendly.

It has been so nice to have girlfriends to go grab lunch with or go shopping. 

I am really thankful to be meeting some really great people,

and it's not only nice for me to get to hang with them, but for Travis and 

their husbands to get along so we can all go out together. 

3. I went to lunch today with one of said girlfriends.

The weather was lovely so we decided to sit on the patio.

I wasn't quite prepared for the intense sun.

I got home looking like this...

Note to self, slather on sunscreen next time. This is not a good look.

4. We spent Easter at home watching The Masters.

I have to admit, I got pretty into on the final day.

I was really rooting for Bubba Watson. I was so happy he won! 

I'm not exactly sure what has happened to me that I'm enjoying watching golf. 

5. Injectables are making me CRAAAAZY.

Holy wow.

I don't even know what to say. This shiz is intense. 

God help us and our marriage if pregnancy hormones are anything like this. 

6. Saw the new Pioneer Woman cookbook today.

It's on my must buy soon list.

I was drooling flipping the pages.

Pretty sure she is my hero! 

Fifth

I want to start by saying thank you all for your kind words.

I have received several emails, text's and comments on here, 

and I really do appreciate each and every one.

This situation is totally crappy, but the amazing people I have met 

and the support complete strangers offer puts a huge smile on my face. 

I can't thank you enough for your thoughts, prayers and love. 

We started cycle #5 tonight. 

This cycle consists of;

Gonal F, Letrozol, and Ovidrel. 

Party time! 

May the 5th cycle be the charm. 

Maybe Next Time

Cycle #4 has officially come to an end.

Friday night I started feeling terribly nauseous. 

I woke up Saturday morning feeling the same way.

When I got home from work Saturday night I decided to take a pregnancy test.

I knew it was really early, but I thought I do it anyway. 

For the first time ever, I walked away from the test. 

Staring at it until something happens has never helped in the past, 

so I went and sat on the couch, and for about 2 minutes actually forgot the test.

I jumped up and walked into the bathroom picked up the test, and there it was

A SECOND PINK LINE!!!

My heart started racing.

It was very, very light.

But a line is a line, right?! 

I immediately called Kim, and when she didn't pick up I text her. 

I needed confirmation I wasn't just seeing things.

She freaked out with me and confirmed that yes, there were 2 pink lines. 

I would have grabbed a different test for a second set of results, but I had already dumped the pee.

 

 Travis was a work, and I didn't want to tell him over the phone, 

so I had to wait until he got home, which felt like an eternity. 

I wanted to call everyone and tell them, but I had to tell Travis first.

He got home, I told him, and he freaked out and started crying.

It was awesome! 

Then we called my sister and parents and told them.

There was no way in hell I could wait even 24 hours to tell them.

I woke up bright and early Sunday morning to take another test. 

Hoping and praying to see another, slightly darker line.

Well, there was nothing. 

I pulled out a different brand of test, and again, nothing.

I just knew it right then. 

Throughout the day I started spotting.

UGH.

I knew in my heart that it was over. 

I prayed and prayed that God would work a miracle and it wasn't the beginning of the end.

I went in for a blood test this morning, and when the nurse saw me 

having my blood drawn she got a huge smile and congratulated me. (punch in the heart)

I told her what went down this weekend and she apologized,

and told me she was praying for me and promised to call as soon as she got the blood work back.

She called this afternoon to let me know it was negative.

And by late this afternoon Aunt Flo arrived. 

Travis had the day off today, and I ended up leaving work early because I felt like shit. 

I came home and we just hung out and talked.

We are both in a major funk today. 

It just sucks. 

We want this so damn bad. 

Thank you for all your prayers, we really do appreciate them. 

On to cycle #5 we go...