2012

I only have one hope for 2012...

Please make us parents. 

We have made the decision to try IVF this year.

It probably will not happen until a little later in the year. 

We need to save up some money first. 

So in that time I'm taking care of me in hopes of giving us the best chance possible at getting pregnant.

I'm going to stop being a lazy ass and take advantage of the gym here at our apartment complex.

I've got to do something good for myself, 

and I know losing some weight would really help.

I haven't talked about it in a long time, but I suffer from anxiety.

Sometimes it's really, really bad.

Like, I cannot function bad.

So, this week I have a Dr.'s appointment to get some help.

And meds.

I need to get this under control now and stop putting my body

through such extreme stress and panic attacks. 

I just really, really, really want to be a mom.

I'm willing to try anything to help my chances. 

If you have suggestions, please let me know!

And if this doesn't turn out to be our year to get pregnant,
at least I will know I've tried everything I can and given it our very best effort. 

What A Year

What a year 2011 has been. 

It has been full of moments of happiness, love, joy, tears and extreme hurt.

We finally saw an RE and were had a few attempts at getting pregnant.

Each attempt was unsuccessful. 

They brought millions of tears, moments of doubt, and tons of frustration. 

But with each new cycle our faith was renewed that one day we would be parents. 

We are still holding on with all our might to that faith.

This past year we also made a huge decision to move to Texas.

It was something we discussed for years and finally made the leap.

Leaving my family and friends ripped my heart out. 

But it's reminded me how much they mean to me and I will never again take them for granted. 

While living in Texas hasn't been everything we dreamed of,

it is growing on me and I actually do love the area we live in. 

More than anything this past year has brought Travis and I so much closer.

I know neither of us ever thought we would face some of the trials we have,

but it has forced us to communicate our true emotions at times we really didn't want to.

For that I am grateful.

I have seen a side of my husband I may have never seen if not for these challenges. 

Our marriage isn't perfect, 

but every day I know I married the best guy for me.

2012 will be our year.

It has to be! 

Christmas 2011

Christmas has come and gone. 

I know I've said it before, but I cannot believe just how fast this past year went. 

We spent Christmas Eve just the two of us.

It was so nice.

We went to candlelight service at church, which is one of my favorite traditions of Christmas.

The church service was probably one of the worst ever. 

The entire 45 minute message was about "conceiving" and "delivering" the message of God to others. 

 At one point he asked you to turn to the person next to you and say
"God wants to get you pregnant".

Let's just say, this did not sit well with me.

I sobbed the entire service. 

I honestly don't know why we didn't just get up and walk out. 

When we did leave Travis even said the pastor took it way too far. 

A lovely start to Christmas.

After church we went home and made chicken tortilla soup. 

Actually, Travis made it while I downed an entire bottle of champagne. 

Nothing like drinking your feelings away.

Christmas morning we slept in, Skyped with my parents and then headed to Travis' parents house.

We had a nice time hanging out and opening presents.

They got me a North Face jacket which I am so excited about! 

I also racked up 3 Starbucks gift cards, score. 

And Travis got me a North Face scarf.

This Cali girl cannot handle the cold winter weather here!

Overall it was a lovely Christmas.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas too!

Bah Humbug

I cannot believe Christmas is only 2 days away.

December has just flown by.

Hell, 2011 has flown by. 

This is the first year EVER that I'm just not into Christmas.

And if you know me, you know that's just insane. 

I LOVE Christmas.

I don't know if it's because it's our first year away from my family.

Or because we aren't doing gifts this year. 

Or because of all the stress we have been under.

Or because I was just certain last Christmas that by this Christmas

I would at least be pregnant, if not have a baby. 

 I actually think it's a combination of all of those.

I'm trying really hard to get in the spirit. 

But all the music, holiday cheer and lights just aren't doing it. 

I did get a fantastic present in the mail last week from a certain someone,

and it put the biggest smile on my face.

While Christmas is not about getting presents,

it made me happy to know I have a great and caring friend out there.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! 

May you spend the day with loved one's 

and remember the true meaning of this wonderful day. 

It's A Learning Process

Monday I went to my RE for my baseline appointment

so we could start cycle number 4.

How on earth I'm only on my 4th attempt this year blows my mind. 

I digress.

I had my sonogram and knew something was wrong.

My Dr always turns the screen away from you, which drive me insane,

and he never says a single word until he is done with the sonogram.

But he was spending an awful lot of time on my left ovary. 

Sure enough he told me I had two very large cysts on my left ovary.

Which means we will be sitting out another cycle.

I was not happy in the least bit.

As it was we were only going to be able to use Femara this cycle,

as I have to have one more failed attempt without injectables for insurance to cover them in the future.

And given that as of the first we have a huge deductible to meet again,

I was upset and pissed.

By now you would think I would know that anytime I try to plan things,

they end up going the completely opposite way.

I'm pretty sure God is trying to tell me no matter how hard I try to control everything,

I really have no control over anything. 

I'm learning. Slowly but surely.

Hopefully we can start our next cycle sometime in February. 

Maybe 2012 will be our year?

Dear Me,

A little note to myself for the future.

Dear Jenn,

The grass isn't always greener. 

Next time you get the idea to pack up and move away from your family 

and friends for the life you dream of, don't do it.

While your family and friends will offer you fantastic support while you are gone,

it will never compare to being able to spend time with them and allowing yourself

to be embraced with love and hugs on your worst days. 

The lifestyle you dreamed of and moved away for won't compare to spending 

holidays and birthday and Sunday afternoons with loved one's.

Things aren't always as they seem.

Just because a place seems it will offer you more opportunities, doesn't mean it will.

You may find yourself alone all the time while Travis is working.

Just because everyone says there are plenty of job opportunities where you are headed,

doesn't mean there will be any waiting for you. Even if your SIL who has no previous

job experience and a ridiculous college degree gets a good paying job.
You may be left returning to a job you hate just to pay your bills.

You may one day look back and realize the happiness you long for
was right there in front of you.
And that things weren't really that bad.
The life you dream of will happen one day.
Not when you want it to happen,
and probably not the way you thought it would happen.
But one day you will look around and realize that being close to family
and friends is what life is really all about.
Not a house, a car, or any materialistic thing.
So stop trying to chase the life you imagine having and start enjoying the one you have.
And find a way to get your ass back to California as soon as you can.

xoxo,
me

Third Times Not The Charm

I know I haven't been around much the past few weeks. 

I'm sure you are just devastated!

I haven't been around because we have been going through IF treatments.

I didn't want to blog about it because I was hoping it would work 

and I could surprise family and friends for Christmas.

I'm going to back up a bit and fill you in.

At the end of October we thought we would have to take November off

due to financial situations. I was not very happy about this.

Then AF came earlier than anticipated and we decided to just go for it since we only had

two months left of full insurance coverage. 

My RE ordered my meds and the day of my baseline appointment I found out

insurance would not cover the injectables because I hadn't had three failed Clomid cycles.

I cried and cried like I haven't cried before. I was pissed.

My RE's office was amazing and gave me a Gonal F pen for free.

Then God answered my prayers and my fabulous friend Kristin

offered to give me all her meds she wasn't using anymore.

Such a incredible blessing.

For the past month we used Femara mixed with Gonal F injections.

Going into our IUI procedure I wasn't thrilled as even with the Gonal F I still only produced one follicle. 

That was really upsetting to me. 

But I had hope I would be getting a BFP for an early Christmas present.

I also started taking Progesterone this cycle.

Holy hell, that stuff made me CRAZY.

I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have in the past two weeks.

Poor Travis.

I started testing early because I have no self control.

I know it sounds insane, but by 9dpo I was getting BFN's and I just knew this wasn't our cycle.

I kept testing, and BFN after BFN.

Last night I forgot to take my progesterone and by this afternoon AF showed up.

Another cycle bites the dust.

Needless to say today has been a hard day. 

We are going to try this last cycle in December, but unfortunately 

we are only able to do Femara and IUI this time. 

At least after this cycle our insurance will cover injectable meds.

I don't have too much hope that this cycle will do anything,

but I keep telling myself God can work miracles. 

I would love nothing more than to be pregnant going into the new year.