Sunday, June 19, 2011

Keepin' It Real

I am so glad the week is over, and a new one has begun.
Last week kicked my ass hard.
The past few weeks have been kicking my ass.

I am clearly an emotional eater, and stress and I have been spending lots of time together lately.
I have gained 5 lbs. in the past two weeks.
I feel like shit. I hate what I am doing to my body.
So I stress some more about that.

The move...I can't even talk about.
I just start to cry. 
Infuriated is the only word I can use to describe my feelings about it right now.

I feel strange talking about this because I know Kim my boss will read it, and I don't want to 
upset her, but it's what is going on in life, so I'm sharing.
I feel like a terrible nanny lately.
I feel like I'm not doing enough with the girls, or teaching them enough.
I feel like I am failing them and Kim. 
When we go out, we go to the outlet mall or Target.
Legoland is way too crowded now that it's summer.
The beach and park are hard for me to wrangle two 16 month old toddlers by myself.
I don't take them in their backyard near as much as I should.
I am terrified they are going to fall on the brick planters and crack their head of adorable face.
I get home at the end of the day and have overwhelming guilt that I have failed them 
If you have any idea's for things to do with toddler's, I would LOVE to hear it!

On Friday I got the bill for my HSG test from a month ago.
My portion is $800. 
I'm fairly certain my blood pressure went through the roof when I heard that.
I know we can go on a payment plan, 
but when you add in our existing bills, my student loans that just went into repayment
saving for our move and the extra $1500 we have to come up with to get out of our lease...
God help me and our checking account if Clomid doesn't work.

To top off my week, was today, Father's Day.
Travis was going to take me out for a late birthday gift.
I broke down crying and told him I didn't want to go.
Being out everyone celebrating Father's Day was just too much.
I feel terrible that I can't give Travis a child.
I know he doesn't see it that way, but I do.
It break's my heart because I know he is going to be an amazing father.
I can't wait to see him our kids.
But being surrounded by families celebrating their dad's was just too much for me.

I'm sorry I sound like a whiny bitch.
I know people are facing much, much worse.
I really have nothing to complain about.
I'm just feeling so overwhelmed lately, and I have no idea how to relax.
I've had a headache for days.
My body hurts it's so tense.
Simply put, I'm a hot mess.


  1. I'm with you! I just suffered a m/c and we cancelled Father's Day at our house too. Too sad. And you are allowed to feel how you feel - that's my motto! :)

  2. Clomid is a crazy B... made me very emotional too. I read Kim's blog and know you are amazing with the girls. Take care of yourself. IF sucks.


Site Design By Designer Blogs