Round 1

Tonight I get to start my first round of Clomid. 

I saw my RE yesterday for my baseline ultrasound.

Everything looked good.

Got my prescription for Clomid and Ovidrel.

I go back next Friday for another ultrasound and wait for instructions to start Ovidrel.

I'm really trying not to get my hopes up,

but I can't help but have hope that this works.

I know it's naive.

I don't care.

For the first time in over a year, 

I have a glimmer of hope.

Keepin' It Real

I am so glad the week is over, and a new one has begun.

Last week kicked my ass hard.

The past few weeks have been kicking my ass.

I am clearly an emotional eater, and stress and I have been spending lots of time together lately.

I have gained 5 lbs. in the past two weeks.

I feel like shit. I hate what I am doing to my body.

So I stress some more about that.

The move...I can't even talk about.

I just start to cry. 

Infuriated is the only word I can use to describe my feelings about it right now.

I feel strange talking about this because I know Kim my boss will read it, and I don't want to 

upset her, but it's what is going on in life, so I'm sharing.

I feel like a terrible nanny lately.

I feel like I'm not doing enough with the girls, or teaching them enough.

I feel like I am failing them and Kim. 

When we go out, we go to the outlet mall or Target.

Legoland is way too crowded now that it's summer.

The beach and park are hard for me to wrangle two 16 month old toddlers by myself.

I don't take them in their backyard near as much as I should.

I am terrified they are going to fall on the brick planters and crack their head of adorable face.

I get home at the end of the day and have overwhelming guilt that I have failed them 

ALL. DAY. LONG.

If you have any idea's for things to do with toddler's, I would LOVE to hear it!

On Friday I got the bill for my HSG test from a month ago.

My portion is $800. 

I'm fairly certain my blood pressure went through the roof when I heard that.

I know we can go on a payment plan, 

but when you add in our existing bills, my student loans that just went into repayment

saving for our move and the extra $1500 we have to come up with to get out of our lease...

WE ARE BROKE.

God help me and our checking account if Clomid doesn't work.

To top off my week, was today, Father's Day.

Travis was going to take me out for a late birthday gift.

I broke down crying and told him I didn't want to go.

Being out everyone celebrating Father's Day was just too much.

I feel terrible that I can't give Travis a child.

I know he doesn't see it that way, but I do.

It break's my heart because I know he is going to be an amazing father.

I can't wait to see him our kids.

But being surrounded by families celebrating their dad's was just too much for me.

I'm sorry I sound like a whiny bitch.

I know people are facing much, much worse.

I really have nothing to complain about.

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed lately, and I have no idea how to relax.

I've had a headache for days.

My body hurts it's so tense.

Simply put, I'm a hot mess.

What Almost Was

I was flipping through my iPhone photo's tonight

and came across the pictures of the house Travis and I wanted to buy last year.

We had gone to Texas to visit and thought we would look at homes 

just to give ourselves and idea of what was in our price range.

I don't think either of us though we would find a house we loved so much.

I think about that house all the time.

Not just because it was a house, as opposed to our tiny apartment,

but because we really loved every single thing about it.

EVERY. SINGLE. THING

It was and still is my ideal floorplan.

The elevation we had chosen had a lovely front porch, something we both dream of having.

It was on a golf course. 

The cherry on top, it was 1300 square feet bigger than our current apartment 

and would have cost us $4 more a month than our rent.

That's right,

$4 FREAKIN' DOLLARS!!

So here is a little tour of the house that almost was ours. 

(Please excuse the picture quality & lovely lighting. I worked with what I had at the time. And it was storming while I was taking pics)

Looking back at the front door from the great room.

To the left was laundry room and garage.

Down the hall and to the right were 2 bedrooms and a full bath

Kitchen

Dining Area

Great Room

(It was big, even though it doesn't look like it here)

Formal Dining

(We planned to use it as a kid's toy area)

Master Bath

Master Bedroom

(Again, bigger than it looks)

Laundry Room

(Huge improvement from the washer & dryer we don't have in our apartment now)

Our Lot

The "Backyard"

(It's hard to tell, but our view would have been the golf course. I think it was the 2nd hole)

Moving...One of These Days

We should be moving in about 7 weeks.

However, we still don't have an actual moving date.

Nor do we know what town T will be working in.

It's rather difficult to plan a move when you don't know when you are moving.

It's even harder to look for a place to live when you don't know where you are moving.

We have several town's we like, but until we know where he is working,

we can't decide which area we will settle down in. 

Especially since our top towns are on completely opposite ends of the metroplex.

I would hate to pick an area, and then have T commuting 45+min. a day.

So here we sit. 

Hoping and waiting to hear something. 

It's infuriating to be making such a huge move and have no control over any of it at this point. 

Not to mention, I'm stressed about every single factor about moving.

And I don't deal well with stress.

If I'm not blogging much, not that I ever did, just know that between

the stress of moving and trying to get pregnant, I have very few nice things to say.

For once I will try to keep the bitching and moaning to a minimum. 

28

Yesterday was my 28th birthday. 

It was a great day spent with family and friends.

We got a limo and went wine tasting and then had dinner at my parents house. 

I have no pictures to share. I planned on being too drunk to take any.

I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, but birthday's just aren't what they used to be.

Back in the day I was so excited leading up to my birthday,

and I reveled in the fun and festivities.

This year I just wasn't that into it.

I was stupid and really hoped I would be pregnant by my birthday.

This obviously isn't the case.

Nothing like giving yourself unrealistic expectations!

I had a rough week being faced with the reality of another year gone by. 

Hopefully this year will be my year. 

Prayer

A few weeks ago when I announced we were moving I was worried about finding a new RE in Texas.

Within minutes of the announcement I got an email from Lindsey, a friend of Kim's. (my boss)

She lives in Texas and was going to get recommendations from her RE for me.

I've never talked to this woman, and there she was trying to help me. 

Now, I'm trying to return the favor the only way I know how.

Her family could use a lot of prayer right now.

Her baby girl Kate is sick. 

I could try to explain what she is dealing with, 

but I'm honestly lost trying to figure it all out.

Long explanation short, 

she is facing a very rare genetic bone marrow failure. 

This sweet girl who isn't even one yet 

needs a complete bone marrow transplant. 

Please pray for sweet Kate and her family as they face the road ahead.

I have faith she will get through this and God will be there every step of the way.

I know the power of prayer, and I ask that if you pray,

 please ask God for strength (among other things) for her and her family.

Keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. 

Progress-ish

I've been stressed out that my thyroid was still all out of whack, 

ever though I have been on top of taking my medication. 

I just haven't felt a change, and apparently you are supposed to feel a clear difference.

So, I pretty much had myself convinced that my TSH level would still be 

too high to start Clomid on my next cycle.

However, my RE's office called today to tell me that my TSH was actually under control.

WHAT?!

I had a huge grin on my face when she told me that.

This means, as soon as my next cycle starts,

we can start our first round of Clomid.

WOOOHOOO!

I feel like for the first time, we are making some progress.

So now we wait for my next cycle. 

It can come early, like tomorrow,which would be nice.

I know I shouldn't be excited.

Who knows if I will even ovulate on Clomid, let alone get pregnant.

There are just so many different outcomes that could happen.

I don't want to get my hopes up, only to end up disappointed.

It's just so hard not to experience some sort of excitement knowing we 

may actually be getting somewhere on the road to getting pregnant. 

But, I'm not going to lie, I am so excited to finally be making some progress.

Hopefully the progress continues!