Saturday, January 9, 2010

Fear Sucks.

Fear: an emotional response to a perceived threat. I'm starting to feel as though fear is taking over my life. Fear of what might, could, probably isn't likely, going to happen. I hate living life like this. My fear is worse at night and in crowded areas (stores, restaurants, concerts), basically, public in general. I don't feel safe in my parents house. I don't feel safe at T and I's new apartment. I don't even feel safe at my Grandma's house in a senior citizen park. I really don't feel safe anywhere.

Not only do I not feel safe, but I have gotten to the point where I hear things that don't actually make noise. I have to sleep each night with a very,VERY loud fan on so that I can't hear anything and I can get to sleep. Every time I hear a car drive by I run to the window to see if anyone is outside. If I hear people outside I look to see who is out there. I have become paranoid.

For a while (a few weeks) I was dealing with my fear pretty well. And then 4 days before Christmas late one night our doorbell rang. I went to the door and nobody was there. Within 20 seconds I heard a noise outside and then all the power in our house went out. And it was only our house. I FREAKED. I ran and got my dad, he grabbed our dog (who hates people) and went outside. Nobody was out there. We called the cops anyways and they took their sweet-ass time arriving. Granted it was nothing serious, but we live in a fairly boring town, so I can't imagine the line at Starbucks was that long that it took them 45 minutes to get here. Anyways, a neighbor had seen some teenagers running from out house but he didn't realize they had turned off our power. Long story short the cop informed me that this was the cool new thing for teenagers to do. SERIOUSLY? This is your idea of fun? I don't think so. It is SO scary. I would love to find the brat's who think this is a fun/cool/rad idea and torment them. And should I ever find out that our future children do this to anyone, they may not see the light of day for several years. Then last night my sister and I were driving home and when we turned onto our street there was a police car there. Apparently it had happened again, this time to our neighbors. They have 3 little kids. They were scared out of their mind's as well. This is not what people should have to be dealing with. If you want to toilet paper a house, fine. But messing around with someone's electricity, NOT OKAY.

Needless to say, this situation has really not helped me deal with my fear. I have been to two counselors to learn to "deal" with my fears and anxieties. And while I have learned some "tricks", I am still left freaked out, over analyzing each and every small thing.

I am really struggling with this area in my life. Each night before bed I read my bible and pray. And for a few minutes I feel at peace and calm. And then my mind starts racing and playing out 200 scenarios that could,might, probably not likely happen. And all that peace, safety and security I was feeling is gone. This makes me feel even worse. I then feel like I am doubting God (which is essentially what I am doing). But I don't want to be doubting God. This is such a hard struggle for me. Has anyone else dealt/dealing with this? I finally opened up to talk about this because I figured someone out there has to be dealing with this, I can't be the only one. Even writing this post is freaking me out. This is no way to live life. I have to find a way to deal with fear and beat it head on.

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