Dazed & Confused

I don't know what the appropriate "feelings" to have two days before your wedding are, but I'm fairly certain I am not feeling them, unless they are stress. While I know I am getting married in two days, I don't really think it has hit me yet. It still doesn't seem real. I have waited, hoped and planned for this day for so long and now I cannot believe it is actually here.

Stress is ruling my life at the moment and while I spend my day running around for wedding related things, I just can't believe it is TWO DAYS AWAY. Maybe by Saturday afternoon when I walk down the aisle it will hit me!

Five Flippin' Days..

I cannot believe I am five days away from being married. Seriously, FIVE DAYS. There is still SO much to do. I have a running list and every time I check something off the list, I end up adding two more things. Today I had a lot planned and very few things got done. So, I really have 4 days and they are jam packed. I am hoping to have everything done by Thursday night so that Friday I can just relax and enjoy the day. But, the thought of doing all the laundry for the honeymoon, finishing the seating chart, starting and finishing the seating cards, sewing the pillow for our ring king, go shopping for wedding and honeymoon items, steam the table runners, make rice crispy treats, seriously this list could go on for days. I just have no motivation to do any of these things. Instead I just want to sit here. But I know if I just sit here when I go to bed all I will be able to think about is the ever growing list. And to add to my stres there is a chance of rain, which will be just lovely for my outdoor ceremony.

Only five more days...

So it begins..

I am 11 days away from being a Mrs., and my baby fever is RAGING. By raging I mean all I can think about is getting pregnant, having a baby, shopping for baby, watching T become a dad, seeing our parents become first time grandparents, and starting our little family. It seriously is all.i.think.about. All day and all night.

The other night I couldn't sleep and I went through my box of baby things I have already purchased. Not only is the box getting fuller, but I just love each and every little item in that box and I can't wait for a little one so I can use it all. There are blankies, burpcloths, onesies, a dress, a boy and girl beenie, babylegs, maryjane socks, a button down that matches one T has identically, three pairs of shoes, a little pink bikini and a bouncer!I really cannot stop myself. Heck, my parents already have a crib! (some friends of my parents were getting rid of their crib and asked if they wanted it, it was crazy to have said no) All these cute little things probably are not helping my fever. Although, neither is the fact that I enjoy researching baby products. I am a strange one, what can I say? My life would be much more fun if I could use these extensive knowledge to help people or be a product tester, but I digress.

I know T and I are not financially ready to have a baby for a little while, and that is really hard for me sometimes. And considering we are living in a 542 sq. foot (no, there are no numbers missing) apartment, there really isn't room for a baby either. Although, we could get away with not needing a lot of baby stuff considering there would be no where to store it all.

There are so many friends of mine who are pregnant and have little one's, and I am SO very thrilled for each of them. I just long for the day that we get to start our family. I guess my question is, how do you know when the time is right? Did you wait until you felt ready or had enough money in the bank or bills paid off? I know everyone has their own unique reasoning, and what worked for one person may not work for us. I just seem to be able to find away around every reason there is. Anyone want to let me borrow their kid(s) for a night, maybe that will buy me some time?

Here are my current lust's!

The Anka highchair


The Orbit Stoller System


Foxpaw shoes, possibly the cutest shoes ever.

Out with the old and in with the new..

In 17 days I will no longer be a Jagermyster. The closer that day get's the more emotional it becomes. Don't get me wrong, I am so very proud and excited to take my new last name! But I have been a Jagermyster for the past 26 years. And in the past 10 years I have really loved my last name. At most of my jobs I have been referred to as Jagermyster, and the majority of my friends call me that. Very few people call me by my first name. The little lady I have baby sat for the past 8 years thought Jagermyster was my first name! My bff's son calls me Dager, and it melts my heart. I freakin' love my last name. And I am very sad to see it go. I tried talking T into taking Jagermyster; that chat didn't go very well and needless to say it won't be happening. And like I said I am really happy to take T's last name, it just isn't as cool as Jagermyster...and I don't think any last name ever will be.

Fear Sucks.

Fear: an emotional response to a perceived threat. I'm starting to feel as though fear is taking over my life. Fear of what might, could, probably isn't likely, going to happen. I hate living life like this. My fear is worse at night and in crowded areas (stores, restaurants, concerts), basically, public in general. I don't feel safe in my parents house. I don't feel safe at T and I's new apartment. I don't even feel safe at my Grandma's house in a senior citizen park. I really don't feel safe anywhere.

Not only do I not feel safe, but I have gotten to the point where I hear things that don't actually make noise. I have to sleep each night with a very,VERY loud fan on so that I can't hear anything and I can get to sleep. Every time I hear a car drive by I run to the window to see if anyone is outside. If I hear people outside I look to see who is out there. I have become paranoid.

For a while (a few weeks) I was dealing with my fear pretty well. And then 4 days before Christmas late one night our doorbell rang. I went to the door and nobody was there. Within 20 seconds I heard a noise outside and then all the power in our house went out. And it was only our house. I FREAKED. I ran and got my dad, he grabbed our dog (who hates people) and went outside. Nobody was out there. We called the cops anyways and they took their sweet-ass time arriving. Granted it was nothing serious, but we live in a fairly boring town, so I can't imagine the line at Starbucks was that long that it took them 45 minutes to get here. Anyways, a neighbor had seen some teenagers running from out house but he didn't realize they had turned off our power. Long story short the cop informed me that this was the cool new thing for teenagers to do. SERIOUSLY? This is your idea of fun? I don't think so. It is SO scary. I would love to find the brat's who think this is a fun/cool/rad idea and torment them. And should I ever find out that our future children do this to anyone, they may not see the light of day for several years. Then last night my sister and I were driving home and when we turned onto our street there was a police car there. Apparently it had happened again, this time to our neighbors. They have 3 little kids. They were scared out of their mind's as well. This is not what people should have to be dealing with. If you want to toilet paper a house, fine. But messing around with someone's electricity, NOT OKAY.

Needless to say, this situation has really not helped me deal with my fear. I have been to two counselors to learn to "deal" with my fears and anxieties. And while I have learned some "tricks", I am still left freaked out, over analyzing each and every small thing.

I am really struggling with this area in my life. Each night before bed I read my bible and pray. And for a few minutes I feel at peace and calm. And then my mind starts racing and playing out 200 scenarios that could,might, probably not likely happen. And all that peace, safety and security I was feeling is gone. This makes me feel even worse. I then feel like I am doubting God (which is essentially what I am doing). But I don't want to be doubting God. This is such a hard struggle for me. Has anyone else dealt/dealing with this? I finally opened up to talk about this because I figured someone out there has to be dealing with this, I can't be the only one. Even writing this post is freaking me out. This is no way to live life. I have to find a way to deal with fear and beat it head on.

I Wish I May..

..become a blogging master/crafter extrordinare/product tester/source of information! Who say's you can't dream big? In all seriousness though, I would LOVE to have a blogs worth of cool stuff. I read about 1 bizillion blogs (that's just a rough estimate) and I have questions. How on earth did you get so many people to read your blogs that you make money by simply writing your thoughts down? How on earth are you so darn creative? How do I get companies to send me their stuff so I can test it out and write a review. I want that job. Seriously.

So if anyone out there in blog land has any suggestions for me, pretty please send them my way. Deep down inside I know there is a blogger/tester/crafter deep down inside, just waiting to be set free! I mean really people, have you never seen the baby showers I plan? Or how about you can ask me about any product at babiesrus and I can tell you more than you ever wanted to know about said product.

There has to be SOMETHING out there for me, right?