Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The One Where I Lose It

Warning: If you don't want to hear me bitch and moan
leave now. 

I'm losing it.
I just want to be pregnant already.
I don't understand why we are having to go through this.
I don't know why God had to make this part of our plan.
I can't for the life of me figure out why single girls who go out and party
and drink the night away and have been dating a guy for 5 minutes 
are pregnant. Must be nice. 
I "know" God has a plan, but I'm tired of waiting to hear what it is.
I'm frustrated.

I'm sick of reading pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement.
I hate that so many of my friends are done having kids, and we 
haven't even started the journey.
I hate the insane amount of bills that come along with us wanting a child.
I hate not having IVF coverage. 
I hate stressing out about how we are going to pay for all of this.
And what happens when we want a second child, and we are
still paying off the loans to get pregnant with our first? 

It's not fair.
Nobody should have to look into financing in hopes of getting pregnant.
I'm so jealous of people who decide to do IVF and the next day are at the RE
making an appointment and setting it all up. 
I'm jealous of people who are pregnant.
Jealous of people with a baby.
Jealous that I wasn't an irresponsible 20 year old who got knocked up. 
At least my body worked back then.
I'm angry. 
Angry at my body. Angry at myself. Angry at God.
Angry at people who make stupid comments.
Angry that we have to go through this.
Angry that we have no idea when, or if ever that we will be parents.
Angry that I don't have a better job that would allow us to be in a 
better position financially to afford IVF. 

I'm tired of this emotional journey.
I'm tired of getting my hopes up every month. 
Tired of getting two lines one day, and none the next.
Tired of dreaming of holding my own child in my arms.
 I'm tried of praying every night that a miracle happens, only to be disappointed.
Tired of stressing.

Why is that too much to ask for?
I refuse to give up on this journey. But damn does it suck more than anything.



  1. Tears. I hate feeling so helpless and wish more than anything I could give you all the money in the world for IVF. HUGS.

    A friend sent me this. Maybe you'll qualify? (Haven't looked into it yet.)

  2. Hi Jenn-
    I have been reading for a while, a follower of Kim's blog, but I dont think I have ever posted. Thinking back 3 or 4 years ago, I think I wrote a post just like this-- maybe exactly word for word. I was at a loss. I was emotional and financially exhausted and just SO ready to have a baby in my arms. I know your raw emotion- I've felt that heartache. It sucks. It worse than sucks. I wanted to share a little "story" that I had once posted in my blog. I am not sure where I had gotten it, but I do remember that it (at the time) was a good reminder to me. I cant say it made me feel 100% better, but it did help me to remember that there is a plan and sadly I cant always be in control. Hugs to you! Know you are not alone!!

    When your hut's on fire
    The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

    The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

  3. I came across this through a FB group and I just had to respond...I can relate to each and every feeling you're talking about from my own personal journey. And strangely, our journeys seem fairly similar in duration and paths. Vent all you need to, but keep your head held're allowed to feel this way. It IS normal.

  4. Oh Jenn, my heart breaks for you reading this post. IF is such a horrible, gut wrenching, emotional (and financially) draining process but I know you will get there. I know it sounds cliche and I'm glad you're not losing the hope but just know there have been so many before you that have gotten to that breaking point too and they were able to beat it. The one thing that kept me going was that I was not going to let IF beat me. Kim was such a great friend to me through my journey and know that you're not alone and all of us who have been there and gone through that pain are here to support you. *hugs*

  5. Jenn...did you pluck this post from my head? I swear this is exactly how I am feeling. It sucks. I am sorry you are going through this...last week a girl at church said to me "Ugh you don't want kids" as she proceeded to complain about her 1 year old. It took everything for me not to slug her. Then she had the nerve to ask me how my fertility treatments were going. What hurts me the most is seeing how my hubby hurts. Lately I have been trying to occupy my time with new things, I might try accupuncture? You can vent all you need, I know we don't know each other but you can drop me an email anytime :)

  6. First of all, you WILL be a mother. We don't know when or how, but it will happen. Do what it takes within the reason you two can handle. We've talked about lots of options before, and they are all ridiculously expensive . . . well, at least it is for those of us that aren't 20 y.o. corner-hanging, welfare-laden crackwhores or filthy-rich bajillionaires.

    Secondly, it sucks feeling so alone even though you are surrounded by people who love you. You know I'm here for you (which reminds me - margaritas next week?) BUT nobody is experiencing this journey exactly you & T are right now. Even though you two are in it "together," he isn't going to completely understand what you are going through either. IF is extreeeeeemely isolating and you feel like you're entering the ring alone although everyone is right there behind you.

    As others have commented, I have written this same post before - probably more than once and many more times in my head. Actually, I still write it and probably will continue to do so for a while. This journey to motherhood via infertility is the hardest of all IMO because there is neither a cure nor a death sentence to bring it to end. When your "end" comes with a baby, the battle scars stay with you forever and are something you never forget. Let's just continue to hope and pray and sprinkle fairy dust and f*ck fluffy unicorns and do raindances and adopt puppies and find the end of every rainbow. It won't be easy but it better be worth it. I'll be here for every step along the way. Love you.

    ps - Know you can call me when you have these feelings and breakdowns. You don't have to say anything. Just whimper and cry in the phone. I'll know exactly what you're trying to say. xox

  7. I am so glad you wrote this because it is honest! Its everything I feel all the time and I am so glad to know I do not feel it alone. I am sending a big hug your way!!

  8. I know this pain, and I'm so sorry J. I'm going to keep you in my good thoughts and prayers that things happen for you guys, and soon. I wish there was more I could do. =( xo


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