Hurt

Yesterday I hit another wall. 

The tears flowed and flowed and flowed. 

My Grams told me my cousin's wife is pregnant. 

Five days before this I learned that my other cousin (his sister) is pregnant. 

Then I logged on facebook and one of my "friends" delivered her baby yesterday.

It felt like a punch in the gut. 

I am happy for them. I really am.

But it's so hard when cycle after cycle nothing happens, and those around you are able to conceive on their first or second try. 

For the first time in this process I really just turned to God. 

I prayed.

And prayed.

And read God's word.

And prayed some more.

I just have to keep telling myself, God knows the desire of my heart to become a mother, and in his timing he will give me my hearts desire.

While we sit and wait for God's plan, it still hurts. 

It's painful.

Sometimes depressing.

Often time infuriating.

But most of all, it just hurts,

To want a child so bad, and have no control over creating that miracle.