The One Where I Lose It

Warning: If you don't want to hear me bitch and moan

leave now. 

I'm losing it.

I just want to be pregnant already.

I don't understand why we are having to go through this.

I don't know why God had to make this part of our plan.

I can't for the life of me figure out why single girls who go out and party

and drink the night away and have been dating a guy for 5 minutes 

are pregnant. Must be nice. 

I "know" God has a plan, but I'm tired of waiting to hear what it is.

I'm frustrated.

I'm sick of reading pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement.

I hate that so many of my friends are done having kids, and we 

haven't even started the journey.

I hate the insane amount of bills that come along with us wanting a child.

I hate not having IVF coverage. 

I hate stressing out about how we are going to pay for all of this.

And what happens when we want a second child, and we are

still paying off the loans to get pregnant with our first? 

It's not fair.

Nobody should have to look into financing in hopes of getting pregnant.

I'm so jealous of people who decide to do IVF and the next day are at the RE

making an appointment and setting it all up. 

I'm jealous of people who are pregnant.

Jealous of people with a baby.

Jealous that I wasn't an irresponsible 20 year old who got knocked up. 

At least my body worked back then.

 

I'm angry. 

Angry at my body. Angry at myself. Angry at God.

Angry at people who make stupid comments.

Angry that we have to go through this.

Angry that we have no idea when, or if ever that we will be parents.

Angry that I don't have a better job that would allow us to be in a 

better position financially to afford IVF. 

I'm tired of this emotional journey.

I'm tired of getting my hopes up every month. 

Tired of getting two lines one day, and none the next.

Tired of dreaming of holding my own child in my arms.

 I'm tried of praying every night that a miracle happens, only to be disappointed.

Tired of stressing.

I JUST WANT A BABY ALREADY.

Why is that too much to ask for?

I refuse to give up on this journey. But damn does it suck more than anything.

 

 

 

 

 

A Little Trip to Austin

Yesterday Travis and I took a little trip down to Austin.

The main reason behind the trip was to to a Love Light session

with the insanely talented Lyndsay at Life In Motion Photography.

Since the photo's were late in the evening we figured we would 

just make a weekend of and it get a hotel room for Saturday night.

We packed up and headed down around 11am.

I had a hair and makeup appointment late in the afternoon.

So we just took our time driving, rocking out 

to music and chatting. It was a nice 3.5 hour drive.

Made a stop at Bailey Banks & Biddle.

DAMN! 

I picked out my new ring. You know, when we hit the lottery. 

Then we headed to the hotel to relax for a little bit and get ready for our pictures.

 Modeling a lovely fanny pack

 

These made their way to my Christmas list.

I booked the room on Hot.wire. My sister and parents have both done this

and scored incredible deals at super nice hotels.

I figured we would give it a try.

I tend to be rather snobby with hotels, but since we were on a budget

I thought 3.5 stars would be good enough. 

Heck, on another popular hotel site it get's 4.5 stars. 

Well, pulling up to the place I knew this was NOT a 3.5 star hotel. 

More like 1.5 stars...if that. 

Pulling in the parking lot there had to have been at least 25 signs 

stating they were not responsible for your car being broken into. Awesome.

Another 15-20 signs stating hide your belongings and lock your car. Rad.

And then one sign stating they videotaped every license plate that drove it. Stellar.

We checked in, went to our room and I wanted to vomit. 

It was just disgusting. 

Had we not still had to finish getting ready for pictures I wouldn't have bothered checking in.

We got ready and as we were heading down to leave decided 

we were going to take the pictures, come back pack up and drive back home.

So that's what we did! 

We left Austin around 11:30 pm.

Stopped in West, Texas around 1am for kolache's for my pregnant friend who LOVES them!

And we made it home around 2:30 this morning. 

 

Best kolache's ever. Mixed berry is my fav!

All in all, it was a great trip. 

I cannot wait to see how the pictures turned out. 

And one final note, don't trust Hot.wire.

That Whole Getting Pregnant Thing

April was the last time we did anything medically 

in an attempt to get pregnant. 

Ever since we have just been living life.

Don't get me wrong, not for one second did I stop thinking 

about the next time we could start really trying again.

I thought I was doing okay at accepting that we financially had to 

take some time off. Haha

That is until friends starting announcing their pregnancies.

And then all the pain came flying right back.

Clearly, I was not doing as well as I thought. 

I just can't sit here and be doing nothing.

I needed to at least have a plan.

So last week Travis and I sat down and discussed where we were going from here.

We have made the decision we are going to go forward and try IVF.

Ideally it would happen in November. 

We are moving in October and I just know the stress isn't going to do

anything to help, so I want get the move out of the way.

We haven't talked to my RE about it yet, although 

I do know he suggested IVF should our last IUI not be successful. 

The plan is to make an appointment in the next few weeks to 

talk to our RE about our decision and where we go from here. 

We are praying this works. 

Any thoughts and prayers you could send our way would be much appreciated.

Hopefully next year at this time I am blogging about my pregnancy

and not the crap that is infertility! 

July

Wow guys, I am a terrible blogger. 

It's been over a month, and nothing!

Well, I'm here to fill you all in on my oh-so exciting life. 

Brace yourselves, this could get out of control. 

(Yeah, not so much)

July consisted of not much.

We hung out with some good friends on the 4th.

They made dinner, I made dessert and we all enjoyed some 

beer while watching fireworks in the bed of a pickup truck.

I feel like a true Texan now. 

My dad came to town for a few days. 

It was great having him here and I really didn't want him to leave.

But, something about my mom and work were enough to send him back home.

I can't figure out why he wouldn't want to stay here on an 

inflatable mattress in  the middle of my living room.

The rest of the month has been spent with Travis working like a mad man.

And me hardly working. It's been really, really slow lately.

As in maybe 10 customers a day. If we are lucky.

If there is one thing I hate, it's being bored at work.

So it's been extra fun for me lately.

But, it has given me time to work on a little side project.

More about that later. If you are lucky.

I'll leave you with some insight as to why I should never cook.

While making a grilled cheese tonight I got an email,

and I was so involved in said email I didn't notice the paper 

between each slice of cheese. Not only did I not notice it while cooking

(which looking back explains the smoke and burning)

but I didn't even realize until I had eaten about 1/4 of the sandwich.

I'm a hot mess people!

Vacation 2012

Travis and I just got home from a lovely 10 day vacation. 

We got to spend our time in California with my family.

It was so nice to be home, but as always it goes by far too fast. 

There are so many people I want to see, and as always I don't 

have enough time to spend with each and everyone. 

I hate feeling spread so thin while I am there. 

But enough complaining! On to the trip.

The whole point of the trip was based around my sister and brother inlaw's

house warming party they were having. 

So the first few days were spent working on my sister's house.

My sister and her husband both work full time and had a ton of 

work to do on the house, so it's been a work in progress.

But, we were able to get it all together just in time for the party!

I don't have any pictures. Sorry. 

It was a lovely party. 

And I was able to see lots of family and friends at one time!

Between getting ready for the party I was able to get away for 

a few hours to go down and visit Kim and the girls! 

It was so great seeing the girls.

I miss those ladies like CRAZY. 

Travis got to do lots of golfing while we there.

We did some wine tasting.

A little bit of reading. I may have read through the 2nd & 3rd books

in the "50 Shades" trilogy. I'm obsessed.

Many, many cocktails were consumed.

Spent a day at the pool with my sister and mom.

Had breakfast with my cousin and her family.

 

One day Kim drove up and met my sister, mom and I at Pechanga

for some old school Bingo! woohoo

(Random fact, I LOVE bingo)

After bingo we went to winery to enjoy some wine and chit chat.

By the end of that we all needed to eat so we met Travis and my dad

at our favorite mexican restaurant. 

While I LOVE the girls, it's so nice getting to spend time with Kim alone.

In a nutshell, that was our vacation.

We got home yesterday, and spent all day today doing laundry

and trying to prepare mentally for going back to work. 

 It was a wonderful getaway.

 

* Miramonte Winery. They did an excellent job on their recent reno

 

* A pitcher of Sangria and snacks makes everything in the world great

*Moonshine soaked cherries. They will knock you on your ass

* B-I-N-G-O

* The soundtrack to our drive to LAX to pick up Travis. Let the good times roll

* Hippie juice. Mmm

* This is Pearl, my parents newest addition. More on her later.

* This is why Virgin rocks

Tidbits

Hello!

I've been MIA recently.

I just don't feel like there is anything exciting to blog about

and I don't want to bore you guys to death with posts about nothing. 

Here are the few things that have been going on.

We would really appreciate some prayers. 

Things have been mentioned numerous times and in several different

ways that a promotion is on the horizon for T.

He has worked so hard for this, and he really does deserve it.

I just wish we knew when we would find out. 

The other part of the promotion is that it could be anywhere in the

DFW metroplex. I'm hoping it's close enough that we don't have to move.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the area we live in. 

Aside from back in Cali there is nowhere else I want to live. 

*** TMI alert*** You've been warned. 

Like I mentioned we took this past month off of treatments so I 

could work on my stress levels, and overall health. 

Well, for the first time in who knows how long I had a normal cycle length.

When not medicated my cycles are between 40 - 56 days. 

This month was 33 days! I know it doesn't seem like much, but 

for this girl that was huge. I would be thrilled if this continued. 

I started seeing a chiropractor/wellness Dr last week. 

He has me taking all sorts of pills. 

8 pills three times a day to be exact. 

And some terrible Gallbladder drink that burns like fire going down. 

We will leave out the details, but I can tell you this stuff is working. 

I also had to keep a food diary this week.

Hahaha, that was fun. 

I truthfully don't have huge expectations for all this,

I'm just hoping for better overall health. 

Oh, and I'm also taking Royal Jelly now.

And praying it's magical powers help me out!!

Fourteen days until I get to see my family and friends. 

I CANNOT WAIT.