Randoms

Just a bunch of random thoughts and happenings.

~ I finally called our insurance co. to see about IVF coverage and whether we had to try

X,Y, and Z before we could try IVF. Turns out, we don't have a dime of coverage for IVF.

I was stunned. When we met with our first RE they went over our coverage, and we were told

we had $20k for IVF. Looks as though it's only for A.I. 

We are going to continue trying IUI and try to save some money along the way for IVF.

~ I started taking Zoloft two weeks ago. It's life changing. Amazing. 

I love the new person I am. I wish I had done this years ago. 

I honestly cannot believe how much it has helped my anxiety in such a short time frame,

and how much I am enjoying life again. 

Travis keeps commenting what an entirely different person I am. 

It's a good thing! 

~ We are headed to California in a few weeks and we both cannot wait! 

The girls are turning 2, and I wouldn't miss their birthday for anything. I am so excited to see them!

It will be so nice to spend so much time with family and friends.
I don't think I'm going to want to leave. 

~ A few weeks after we get back from California Kim is flying out here to visit me for a weekend.

I am beyond excited! 

But now I am in a rush to make our little apartment look pulled together and finish 

the decorating I've been working on since we moved in. 

Hopefully it will look decent by the time she gets here.

~ I'm torn between switching to a new RE. The guy we see now has a fantastic reputation, 

and comes highly recommended. However, I didn't see him a single time during our last cycle. With our first RE I saw her every single appointment. Also, the office infuriates me. A) You don't get to schedule your own appointment, they just tell you when you are coming in. B) They don't open until 8 am and close at  4pm. Then Wednesdays they close at noon. Even just for a monitoring appointment I can get anything earlier than 8am. And finally, they want to see you ALL THE FRIGGIN' TIME. 

I had 9 appointments in a span of 20 days last cycle.

I understand I have to be monitored, but I certainly didn't have that many appointments with our last RE. 

And the fact that they don't accommodate appointments around my schedule doesn't help. 

Do I leave a great RE because of this, or am I just being dramatic? 

I think I was so spoiled by Dr. Morales and expect nothing less now.

That's all for now. Hope you are having a great start to 2012!

2012

I only have one hope for 2012...

Please make us parents. 

We have made the decision to try IVF this year.

It probably will not happen until a little later in the year. 

We need to save up some money first. 

So in that time I'm taking care of me in hopes of giving us the best chance possible at getting pregnant.

I'm going to stop being a lazy ass and take advantage of the gym here at our apartment complex.

I've got to do something good for myself, 

and I know losing some weight would really help.

I haven't talked about it in a long time, but I suffer from anxiety.

Sometimes it's really, really bad.

Like, I cannot function bad.

So, this week I have a Dr.'s appointment to get some help.

And meds.

I need to get this under control now and stop putting my body

through such extreme stress and panic attacks. 

I just really, really, really want to be a mom.

I'm willing to try anything to help my chances. 

If you have suggestions, please let me know!

And if this doesn't turn out to be our year to get pregnant,
at least I will know I've tried everything I can and given it our very best effort. 

Fear Sucks.

Fear: an emotional response to a perceived threat. I'm starting to feel as though fear is taking over my life. Fear of what might, could, probably isn't likely, going to happen. I hate living life like this. My fear is worse at night and in crowded areas (stores, restaurants, concerts), basically, public in general. I don't feel safe in my parents house. I don't feel safe at T and I's new apartment. I don't even feel safe at my Grandma's house in a senior citizen park. I really don't feel safe anywhere.

Not only do I not feel safe, but I have gotten to the point where I hear things that don't actually make noise. I have to sleep each night with a very,VERY loud fan on so that I can't hear anything and I can get to sleep. Every time I hear a car drive by I run to the window to see if anyone is outside. If I hear people outside I look to see who is out there. I have become paranoid.

For a while (a few weeks) I was dealing with my fear pretty well. And then 4 days before Christmas late one night our doorbell rang. I went to the door and nobody was there. Within 20 seconds I heard a noise outside and then all the power in our house went out. And it was only our house. I FREAKED. I ran and got my dad, he grabbed our dog (who hates people) and went outside. Nobody was out there. We called the cops anyways and they took their sweet-ass time arriving. Granted it was nothing serious, but we live in a fairly boring town, so I can't imagine the line at Starbucks was that long that it took them 45 minutes to get here. Anyways, a neighbor had seen some teenagers running from out house but he didn't realize they had turned off our power. Long story short the cop informed me that this was the cool new thing for teenagers to do. SERIOUSLY? This is your idea of fun? I don't think so. It is SO scary. I would love to find the brat's who think this is a fun/cool/rad idea and torment them. And should I ever find out that our future children do this to anyone, they may not see the light of day for several years. Then last night my sister and I were driving home and when we turned onto our street there was a police car there. Apparently it had happened again, this time to our neighbors. They have 3 little kids. They were scared out of their mind's as well. This is not what people should have to be dealing with. If you want to toilet paper a house, fine. But messing around with someone's electricity, NOT OKAY.

Needless to say, this situation has really not helped me deal with my fear. I have been to two counselors to learn to "deal" with my fears and anxieties. And while I have learned some "tricks", I am still left freaked out, over analyzing each and every small thing.

I am really struggling with this area in my life. Each night before bed I read my bible and pray. And for a few minutes I feel at peace and calm. And then my mind starts racing and playing out 200 scenarios that could,might, probably not likely happen. And all that peace, safety and security I was feeling is gone. This makes me feel even worse. I then feel like I am doubting God (which is essentially what I am doing). But I don't want to be doubting God. This is such a hard struggle for me. Has anyone else dealt/dealing with this? I finally opened up to talk about this because I figured someone out there has to be dealing with this, I can't be the only one. Even writing this post is freaking me out. This is no way to live life. I have to find a way to deal with fear and beat it head on.

Help is on the way

I start seeing a therapist on Tuesday, and I am so excited. I doubt many people say that, but I am! I have never had a problem talking about the fact that I have seen several therapist's in my life, and I think they are amazing. So, the fact that my job is paying for me to go is even better. I am really hoping I connect with my new therapist and she can help me deal with my many issues. I am looking foward to getting a new perspective on what I have been dealing with and really help me. I am so tired of being depressed, and dealing with anxiety and paranoia. I haven't really talked to many people about what is going on in my life, if you are intersted, feel free to ask. I just don't like bombarding people with my craziness!

Anyhoo, I am praying that my depression will let up soon. It has been really bad lately, and I am over-analyzing everything in my life, which just leads to more depression. About a week ago Travis and I went to Sea World for the day. It was the first time in a really long time that I went a whole day without getting depressed or upset. I just had a great, amazing day that day. I enjoyed life and all the small things. I want every day to be like that day. I know Travis wishes I was like that every day too.

I could use some change... a new outlook on life would be a great start. I don't really know where I am going with this post, other than to say, if you wonder why I have been extra crazy lately, dont fret, help is on the way!