A Drinking Game

The Holidays are here. Blast. 

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas more than the next person. 

But, the holidays tend to be a constant reminder that another 

year has gone by and my uterus is still empty. 

I decided to create a little drinking game to get through Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Play along. 

Rules: Make sure you have plenty of alcohol on hand before starting.

 Drink = a hefty swig of the adult beverage of your choice, no sipping

  You are headed to your inlaws for the day - take a drink

The first post on your Facebook timeline is a picture of a  friends baby - take a drink

 Each additional baby picture post on Facebook - take a drink

 Every time someone refers to their baby as "little turkey" - take a drink

A family member asks when you are getting pregnant - take 2 drinks

Your sister/brother/cousin/family member has an "announcement" to make - drink a bottle

Every Facebook post referring to a child being who they are thankful for - take 2 drinks

 Your friend you would have shared a due date with had your last cycle worked

posts how she is 37 weeks and ready to have this baby - drink 2 bottles

At dinner when asked what you are thankful for this year you reply; Clomid, Gonal F, progesterone and the dil.do cam at your RE's office  - take 4 drinks

You are thankful for your Reproductive Endo and nurses - take 2 drinks

You find yourself in the bathroom with said adult beverage, crying because you swore 

by Thanksgiving this year you would be pregnant -  drink a bottle

Every pregnancy announcement the past year you replied "congrats" instead 

of "i-hate-you-why-you-and-not-me" - take a drink

You are thankful for the online community of friends you have never met but
offer more love and support than most IRL friends - take a drink

 You have to excuse yourself from the table to give yourself an injection -  take a drink

You are in the middle of the 2WW - take a drink

You had to reschedule when you are eating because T.I. fell right in the middle of dinner -  
take a drink

A family member "knows" your pain because they tried for 3 whole months - take 3 drinks

You have to work Black Friday, and you work at a baby store - drink a bottle

A family member gives you their baby so you can "get practice" - take two drinks

You are told: just relax/ get drunk/ it will happen when it's supposed to/take a vacation/
once you stop trying it will happen - take a drink per comment

Aunt SoandSo comments "if it was meant to happen, it would happen" - take 2 drinks

Your dad/FIL/brother/uncle/cousins hands your husband male en.hancement pills and says
"this should get her pregnant" - take 3 drinks

You get home and completely lose it emotionally because another year has gone by - 

drink another bottle

Well friends, by now you should be good and wasted. I know that's my plan for tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong, I have so much to be thankful for this year, and I really am. 

But I'd be lying if I acted like it's not  hard to keep things in perspective when the only thing in the world I want is to be a mom and it still hasn't happened. 

Happy Thanksgiving Friends!

Damn You Stress

Today was one of many RE appointments to see how the cycle was going. 

Each cycle my body seems to really take it's time,

slow and steady is what the nurse's love to call me. 

Today I finally had a follicle big enough, of course though I only have one.

I know one follicle is all I need, but I was really hoping with the increase in 

meds I would have at least 2 follicles. 

My nurse was a little surprised I only had 1 follicle as last month

I had 2 and all I was taking was Clomid. 

My response was "I was far less stressed last month".

She said that's probably why I only had one.

Awesome.

I've heard a million times how stress can effect infertility. 

I guess I didn't realize just how much of an effect it can make. 

I am TERRIBLE at staying calm.

I get worked up over the smallest, dumbest stuff. 

Not to mention last week I had a full on anxiety attack one night. 

I told Travis for the next 2 weeks I am checking out. 

I'm not dealing with anything. 

I need to stay as stress free as possible.

If only I could pause life around me for those two weeks. 

God, please grant me patience the next 16 days. 

 

Maybe Next Time

Cycle #4 has officially come to an end.

Friday night I started feeling terribly nauseous. 

I woke up Saturday morning feeling the same way.

When I got home from work Saturday night I decided to take a pregnancy test.

I knew it was really early, but I thought I do it anyway. 

For the first time ever, I walked away from the test. 

Staring at it until something happens has never helped in the past, 

so I went and sat on the couch, and for about 2 minutes actually forgot the test.

I jumped up and walked into the bathroom picked up the test, and there it was

A SECOND PINK LINE!!!

My heart started racing.

It was very, very light.

But a line is a line, right?! 

I immediately called Kim, and when she didn't pick up I text her. 

I needed confirmation I wasn't just seeing things.

She freaked out with me and confirmed that yes, there were 2 pink lines. 

I would have grabbed a different test for a second set of results, but I had already dumped the pee.

 

 Travis was a work, and I didn't want to tell him over the phone, 

so I had to wait until he got home, which felt like an eternity. 

I wanted to call everyone and tell them, but I had to tell Travis first.

He got home, I told him, and he freaked out and started crying.

It was awesome! 

Then we called my sister and parents and told them.

There was no way in hell I could wait even 24 hours to tell them.

I woke up bright and early Sunday morning to take another test. 

Hoping and praying to see another, slightly darker line.

Well, there was nothing. 

I pulled out a different brand of test, and again, nothing.

I just knew it right then. 

Throughout the day I started spotting.

UGH.

I knew in my heart that it was over. 

I prayed and prayed that God would work a miracle and it wasn't the beginning of the end.

I went in for a blood test this morning, and when the nurse saw me 

having my blood drawn she got a huge smile and congratulated me. (punch in the heart)

I told her what went down this weekend and she apologized,

and told me she was praying for me and promised to call as soon as she got the blood work back.

She called this afternoon to let me know it was negative.

And by late this afternoon Aunt Flo arrived. 

Travis had the day off today, and I ended up leaving work early because I felt like shit. 

I came home and we just hung out and talked.

We are both in a major funk today. 

It just sucks. 

We want this so damn bad. 

Thank you for all your prayers, we really do appreciate them. 

On to cycle #5 we go...

Here We Go Again...

The 2 week wait starts again.

This afternoon was my IUI.

It wasn't bad at all.

It was all over in 5 minutes.

I'm hopeful. 

The Dr. said 5 million sperm was considered "good".

Travis "donated" 18 million.

Let's hope one of them can find their way. 

She also said his motility went from 47% to 98%.

That made me very happy. 

Let the over analyzing begin!

Round Two

Sure enough, we are moving on to round two.

Our Clomid/T.I. cycle did not end in a pregnancy.

I did ovulate, which is good though. 

This cycle we are trying Clomid and our first IUI cycle.

I'm a little nervous.

Not about the actual procedure, but about whether or not it will work.

I am under A LOT of stress right now, and I'm worried about how it's affecting my body.

Between the stress of moving (in 3 short weeks), not having a job, leaving my family 

and the stress of this cycle working, I can't imagine it not affecting my body.

I am trying my best to stay calm.

I really would LOVE for this cycle to work. 

Not just because I want to have a child and be pregnant, 

but I would love to be able to tell my parents face to face, not over the phone. 

It may seem lame, but I want to be there when I can finally announce the news.

I started my Clomid last night, and holy shiz, I can already tell the increased dose 

is making me a little "on edge" shall we say.

Travis says I'm never allowed to take it again. hahaha

We will see about that!

 Hopefully I won't have to take it again, but I learned my lesson of wishing for that last month. 

I'm very hopeful that this cycle works, but I'm going to try not to get my hopes up as much as last month.

 I tried not getting my hopes up last month, but I couldn't help it.

It was our first month having an actual chance.

Hopefully the next month will fly by and have a BFP waiting for me at the end!

2WW

Has time stopped? 

I certainly feel like it has.

Days are dragging by and feel like weeks.

Knowing that in less than two weeks I will know if I'm pregnant feels like a lifetime away.

Why can't time speed up?

It doesn't help that I am consumed with thoughts.

Am I pregnant? Am I not?

Did I/we do something wrong?

Can I get in one more cycle with Dr. Morales before we move?

Can we afford to do IUI next cycle?

What was that feeling? 

Should I be feeling anything? Should I not be feeling anything?

How early can I test?

OMG. 

This is what I do all. day. long.

I teeter back and forth between being positive and being realistic.

On one hand I can't help but think of all the amazing things that 

will come along if this cycle worked.

But then I snap back to reality and tell myself not to get my hopes up.

If my mind could just shut off for a few weeks, that would be amazing.